We love knowing we will leave

Its been more than a month since we lost a loved one. They say time is the best healer. I think more than time itself, it was the family that came together to stand by us, who saved us from getting lost in this time. The last few of this family, closest of all, left a few days back to get back to their own lives, leaving us officially on our own.

Few days back, I took the long airport ride to see them off on their journey to the other side of the planet. The fact that it would be months before we meet again, kept rubbing in, throughout the journey. It was a rainy night. Rain had drenched the streets, the cars, the entire night. It was pretty similar to how I felt too, drenched in emotions. My childish mind constantly asked, “Why do they have to go? Why can’t they stay?” The wipers of the car, went back and forth like a finger pointing at me constantly telling me, “No! They cannot stay! No! My wish could not be granted!” I wished the wipers would stop. I wished it would stop raining. I wished they hadn’t had to go.

With time, nothing changed except my own emotions. Slowly anger gave way to introspection. I wondered why I was feeling so angry inside. I have had family travel miles away, for years together, many time before. I have never felt so emotionally drained before. Why today? The answer was simple. I was feeling this way because I did not want loved ones to leave me either through death or through our life choices. While we cannot control death, we definitely have a control on our choices. Even though we control choices of life, we still choose to stay away from family. We keep calling each other, saying we miss each other, but then we still continue to live far. Why do we do that? Why? What  are we waiting for to change our choices? Wasn’t one meeting with death enough to change our mind?

I gasped, trying to breathe. Thankfully my six year old niece, sitting on my lap was talking about dinosaurs and earthquakes. My gasp went unnoticed amidst her chatter. The sound of the rain slamming the car also did its part. I wanted to curl up, hug my knees and cry loudly. I had not cried like this even when death visited us. But now, my anger was leading to frustration and frustration to a need for letting go. I let go and silent tears dripped down my cheeks. My niece did not notice. She was now talking about her Grandmother and God. It was one of the rare days that I felt that life is unfair. I kept asking, “Why do we love people knowing they will leave us one day?”

Days later, as I write this blog, I don’t feel like crying anymore. I guess Time did help me in this case. With the support of time, I have learnt to love and miss loved ones without being sad. I have accepted that loving someone does not necessarily mean that we will live together forever. Sometimes we will drift across continents and sometimes across lives. I believe, if we have loved someone truly, we are sure to meet again in some form at some time. Till such time, I continue to spend time in prayer because it is prayer that helps me experience the love of those who have been distanced from me.

Is Dying Good for Health?

Last night, bedtime story for Yog went in a strange direction. I was telling Yog about his Grandmother, “Bamma” and how much she loved him.

Yog (for the nth time): Why Bamma died?

Mama: Because she was not feeling well.

Yog: Is Dying good for health?

Mama silent for a long time. I had no answer.

Yog: Where did Bamma go?

Mama: Bamma went to stay with God.

Yog: God did not died Bamma?

Mama again silent for a long time. We die and go to God. When we die with God, where do we go?

Till date, Yogs questions have been black and white. Is Apple good for health? Are chocolates bad for health? Is water good for health? Is hitting bad manners? Till now, I have been able to answer most questions without thinking much. But as Yog and me deal with our first encounter of death, Yogs questions are bordering on grey. I honestly don’t have answers to these questions. So, for now, Yog is happy accepting my silent tears as answers.

P.S. – I have received multiple questions on how the children are handling the physical loss. Yog has not cried so far thinking about Bamma. I think, he is more logical and far sighted than I am. He is more capable of handling the dimensions of time and space (or rather lack of them). His questions are not never directed towards life. He is only trying to understand death or more appropriately, what we adults, perceive as death.