Shilpa Roy Kota

Parenting Stories (and more) from the desk of an imperfect parent

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  • World of No Lies

    We are all guilty of lying. Sometimes we lie for the good of others, like when I crush Flax seeds inside a fruit smoothie and completely deny it when the children ask. Sometimes we lie for our own good, like when Pavan and I go for a date telling the kids we are off to a business meeting. Yes, we could convince them that Mama Papa need time, etc, etc, but sometimes it is just simpler and faster to lie.

    No one remembers the exact date or year they learnt to lie. In my experience of bringing up children and seeing nephews and nieces grow, I think by age 5 or 6, children have figured that they need not be honest all the time. As parents, we are all well aware of how we feel when our children lie to us. No matter, how many lies we have said (or still say) to our parents, it is very difficult to take lies from our own children. There is nothing much in this context. Therefore, that is not the subject of the blog today.

    For today, I want to record the magic of the world where lies don’t exist. I want to share Yogs world with you. Yog is 4 and he is still unaware of the concept called Lie. For example, he still asks me before he pulls a chocolate from the fridge. If he has not asked me before, he promptly tells me after he has eaten it. His eyes slightly downcast, he will come and softly whisper around me, hoping I have not heard his confession about the chocolate. He wishes that I do not get to know of that missing chocolate, but he cannot help but tell me about it, himself. In his small world, he still believes that rules (like ask before you eat a chocolate) should be followed.

    In this little world, he also believes everything that he hears or sees. Here are some examples:

    Nani (Grandmother, joking with Yog): Yog, you look like a girl

    Yog: No, I am not a girl

    Nani: But you look like a girl to me

    Yog: Nani, you need to go to the doctor to check your eyes

    Yog cannot comprehend that Nani is kidding with him. He truly believes that Nani is saying what she really thinks.

    ————-

    Taekwondo Master: Yog you are fat. You need to lose weight

    Yog (telling me later about it): Mama, Master thinks I am fat

    Me: I don’t think you are fat (maybe just a little round on the edges) Why did the master say you are fat?

    Yog: Mama, I said, “Master thinks I am fat”. I know I am not fat. Master thinks I am fat because master cannot think properly.

    ————–

    Read more examples on how Yog’s elder cousin brother fools around with him sometimes but Yog always believes it to be true.

    In his world, Yog knows what is right. He knows what cannot be. He knows there are no jokes. He doesn’t know there is something called lies. This world is so simple and straight forward. I love and envy his world at the same time. I know it is just a matter of time before he learns to bend the rules. It is just a matter of time before he reaches five. It is just a matter of time when the world starts to leave it’s mark on him.

    Till then, we continue to enjoy his debates and opinions on his world. Sometimes when he runs out of logic to explain an aspect of life (like why boys have penis and girls have breasts) he points up to the sky, widens his eyes for emphasis and says, “God made them like that!” After all, there cannot be any further discussion after the word of God.

  • RIP Green Paint Bottle

    Below is a snapshot of some of the crazy things we did in the summer of 2018.

    RIP Green Bottle

     

  • Mind before Heart

    One rotten apple on a tree does not mean all apples are rotten
    One bad father does not mean all fathers are bad
    One bad Guru does not mean all Gurus are bad

    Don’t eat an apple with your eyes closed
    Don’t accept exploitation even from your own father
    Don’t follow a Guru leaving aside your own logic

  • Whose Side are You?

    We are all looking to blame someone for everything wrong happening in the world today – blame Muslims for terrorism, blame Hindus for rapes, blame Modi for economy, blame Congress for corruption, blame Trump for IT slump, blame blame blame…

    It is so easy to generalize segments, brand them and blame them. It gives us a false sense of security. It makes us think the problem is not with us but with someone else. If we want to solve the problem, first step is to stop segmenting ourselves into brands. There should only be two sides – human and inhuman.

    It is time to really choose.

  • Rape 101: Conversations on Rape with Teenage Daughter

    Rape is in the air! Sad but true! The only good thing about Rape being in the air is that everyone is talking about it. Unlike multiple generations till now, it is not being silently brushed under the carpet or hidden inside dirty laundry never to be seen or cleaned again.

    My daughter and I had our first conversation about rape, 4 years ago when the documentary on Nirbhaya was released. These days there are many more – Kathua, Unnao, Surat, Indore. The list seems endless. Each act more horrifying than the other. Each day, as my daughter reads about one more case, her faith in humanity diminishes a little. She questions these acts and asks Why? Why do girls get raped? Why are rapes increasing? Why do men behave like monsters? Is India unsafe now? Is a girl entitled to kill a man who is trying to rape her?

    No matter how hard it is to think, much rather talk about these crimes; as a mother, I have a responsibility to share my point of view with my daughter. This is what I have to say.

    Dear daughter, first of all, it is not only girls who get raped. Rapes happen to both men and women. Maybe the ratio of girls getting raped his higher, hence it is being talked about more. But believe me, girls are not the only victim. We together, girls, boys and transgenders are all getting victimized.

    As far as I see, rapes are not increasing. The reporting of rapes in the news and discussion about rapes in social media is increasing, which gives us the impression that rapes are increasing. In fact, I think that  such crimes should be slowly coming down because so many parents are aware and educating their children about sexual assault. The only answer to addressing sexual assault is to talk about it and be ready for it rather than ignore it and believe that it will never happen to one of us.

    Men who rape are not necessarily monsters. The way I see it, they are suffering from a disease. A disease which makes them lose control over themselves.  This condition is created due to multiple reasons –

    1. We live in a patriarchal society where men are made to think that they are superior to women. This makes men feel that they are right in using any girl/women to their advantage.
    2. Because of the affinity towards male children, generations have systematically killed female child. This has skewed the natural gender balance of nature, leaving more men than women. In some states of India, the proportion of boys to girls is significantly bad. When boys don’t find a partner to mate naturally, they tend to resort to crimes like this.
    3. There is so much objectification of women through magazines, movies, even music and other art forms. Such depictions of women often create the perception that the sole purpose of a girls life is to satisfy the physical needs of a man.

    These reasons don’t justify rape, but should help you understand how this disease is caused and how it spreads. Men who rape are sick in their mind and need serious medical help. Unfortunately, no medical system recognizes this disease and hence no cure is being sought, as yet.

    If you consider global statistics on rape India is at 94th place out of 119 countries. This statistic for rape is calculated as the proportion of rapes to the overall population of India. Even though the number of cases of rape are high in India, when you compare it to the overall population of India, it is still significantly less than most countries in the world. Even the so called developed countries like USA , UK and other European countries are ahead of us in the proportion of rapes. Sexual assault is a global problem and not really centric to a country, state, religion or gender. Those who try to pin it to a country or political party just don’t see the problem for what it is.

    There is lot of fake news floating around about laws on rape. One of them relates to giving the right to kill to a girl is she is under threat of sexual assault. Such a law can never be passed because, no one can be allowed to take justice in their own hands. If such a law was passed, any woman could easily kill a man on the pretext that he was trying to rape her. It is for the law to establish guilt and pronounce the punishment. Even though it takes time, it is the only right way to do it.

    In order to prevent rapes, we need to look at the problem for what it is. Creating tougher laws is a retrospective way of solving the problem. If we have to eradicate the problem from its root, we have to solve it at the lowest level in the society. We have to give equal respect to both genders at home. We have to create equal opportunities basis strengths and interests and not gender.  We have to stop depicting men and women as sex objects.

    There is no quick fix to this problem because it is a mindset change for billions of people. But I do believe that this problem is on its way to being solved because there are many more people like you and me who are talking about it and agreeing that change is needed, not only in the laws of our country but more importantly in the law that governs each household.

    With this, I kiss my daughter on the forehead and hold her hand. We sit silently together for a long time.

    Sexual assault is a reality. Let the next generation be ready to deal with it. More importantly, let them be the drivers of the change that is needed in the mindset of the people.

    P.S – Views expressed above are solely my views. If you disagree please share your point of view. If you agree, please share this Rape 101 with other parents. Lets talk about Rape with facts, not with emotions.

  • Staying Happy in the Big Bad World

    For a long time now,  I have been debating in my mind whether I am pessimist or an optimist. I read only positive books. Given a choice, I only watch movies about love and joy (For my husbands record, I hate action movies). My blogs are, on the most part, positive and focus on the little things in life. Given all this, one could easily say that I am an Optimist.

    But yet, when it comes to real life, I keep missing heart beats on the slightest of things. When children arrive two minutes late, I have already visualized a bus accident. When I do not receive a message/call from my husband for 3 straight hours, I  start to fear that he has been kidnapped (yeah! tell me about it). When I lock the home alone, I dread gas leakage or electrical short circuit. The list goes on. I know, people like me have little peace of mind. The way I see it, worrying does make me more planned and careful but it is definitely not easy and it definitely does not leave me happy. And I guess, it does make me a pessimist.

    On top of being a pessimist, I am a strong believer in the little book called “The Secret”. This book is all about believing and visualizing in what you want in life. The stronger your belief, the stronger the urge of the universe to deliver it to you. Quoting Sharukh Khan, “Agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaaho to puri kayanat usey tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai.”

    Come to think of it, if most part of the day I am worrying about short circuits and bus accidents, then what choice am I giving the universe?

    Believe me, I have consciously tried to change the wiring of my mind. I counter each negative thought with two positive thoughts, every single time. I spend time in prayer and meditation. And of course I continue to write. Writing has been my biggest healing power.  But then, we do live in Kalyug where materialism, lust and power has taken over the good in people. We are not humans first, but Man/Woman, Hindu/Muslim, American/India, BJP/Congress and so on. No matter how hard I try, I cannot have my family be all the above. One day or the other, I fear we will fall on the other side of the line and I cannot help but worry for that day. I fear because I have a daughter. I fear because I have a son too.

    If I fail to change the wiring of my brain and have little power in changing the laws of the Universe, how do I keep my family safe?

    I found my answer today after a long fun filled holiday with my children. The day was a blur of activity. But no one activity stands out specifically in my mind. When I look back on the day, I remember the evening when we were laughing till our tummies hurt. I don’t even remember what the joke was. As I tucked the kids in bed, I silently thanked God for such a day. I prayed that we have many more days like this in our lives. As soon as I felt blessed and peaceful, my pessimist self showed up again. She started with, “But Shilpa, do you know what happened in Surat today???……”.  Perhaps for the first time in my life, I managed to silence her and said, “I know America bombed Syria. I know about Kathua, Unnao and Surat. I know about Infosys share price crash. I know death is waiting round the corner. But till it decides to knock my door, I choose to live like I lived today. I choose to laugh and be happy. While I will continue to double check gas knobs and electric switches, I choose to dream about a golden future for me and my family. I choose to see death when I am 80 years old. I choose to  see my children grow and prosper in front of my eyes. I choose to be an Optimist.”

    After months of trying to rewire my brain, I finally accept both the pessimist and the optimist inside me. I acknowledge both of them and I admit I cannot get rid of either one of them. I accept that death and misfortune will meet us from time to time. But till such  time, I choose to make each day count positively for me and my family. For me, the biggest reason for making the most of today is the knowledge that there may not be a tomorrow.

    If you are like me,  having more faith in the Big Bad World than in your own prayer, take my advice. Live each day like its the last. Use your worry and your pessimism to make sure you have even more fun in your life each day.

    P.S – If you know more people like me who have taken the job for worrying for the rest of humanity, remember to use your optimism and share this post with them. Maybe together, we can rewire the laws of the universe.

  • What is Poor

    We are riding on a scooter. Yog suddenly asks,”Why that girl has a tent?”. I immediately decide that this conversation is soon going to transform into, “Why don’t we have a tent in our house?” So I tried to act ignorant. “I didn’t see any tent. Which tent are you talking about?” This was true. I wondered how Yog managed to see a tent inside someone’s house while we were on the scooter.

    But Yog insisted. “That tent on the road! You didn’t see?” (Implying- How can you drive without seeing??) It struck me then. There indeed was a make shift tent on the road. A lady lived there.

    I felt guilty for doubting Yogs intention. This time I tried to explain in detail.

    Me: Some people stay in tents because they are poor.

    Yog: What is poor?

    Me: Poor means when someone doesn’t have any money

    Yog: They don’t even have cards? (Like credit cards)

    Me (choking my laughter) : No, they don’t have cards also

    Yog: Then how do they buy food to eat?

    Me: They buy little food which is not expensive

    Yog: Then we should give them food?

    Me: Yes! We should

    Yog: We should also give them money

    Me ( in a dilemma) : no we shouldn’t give money. We should help them so that they can earn their money.

    Yog: How do you have so many cards?

    Me (explaining how banks work)

    The conversation struck a chord and I wanted to record it to remind myself how quickly we adults jump to conclusions. I has mistakenly interpreted Yogs simple inquisition based on humanity as a selfish demand and tried to avoid it.

    Moral of the Story – if only we hear what children have to say without interpretation, we will probably see the beauty in the world as they see it.

  • The Journey is Mine, cause the Destination is Mine to Achieve

    When we lose a loved one to death, misunderstanding or simply time, we tend to question not only fate and God but also every relationship that we still hold. If we have lost once, what is the guarantee that we will not lose another loved one again? How do we continue to love knowing very well that all loved ones will part from us one day or the other?

    I found a simple explanation to this in a short four hour road drive, last week. When I started the drive, I was focused on the road, navigation directions and the miles ticking by. No sooner had I settled in the driving seat, my thoughts started drifting. The miles faded, the sun paled and the road became and endless zig-zag, black and white line. Many cars, trucks, motor cycles chanced upon me. My companionship with each one of them lasted only a few short seconds before either they sped off or I did, never to look back again. I never paid any attention to anyone. Not one of them seemed important enough.

    Somewhere in the second hour, a black Hyundai appeared behind me. I was not sure how long it had been there, but it had now caught my attention. It was almost at the same speed as I was. It was trying to overtake me but I was not in a mood to give way. I was also trying to reach my destination as fast as possible. It did manage to speed ahead of me few times, but I managed to overtake it again till…. till a red Volkswagen appeared ahead of me. It was again at almost the same speed as both of us and now we were three playing the game of staying ahead. Over the next hour or so, we managed to stay together even though we were trying to lose each other. We, together, dodged trucks, went over rumbling river bridges, green grasslands, dense fog and crooked roads. Having covered so much ground together, we developed a bond, an understanding in this brief period. We started watching out for each other and congratulating each other with subtle signs, no one else on the road would have noticed. We were now together in this journey. Even though we didn’t even see or know the driver behind the wheel, we three were already in a relationship of companionship.

    In the fourth hour, I managed to take lead after circumventing heavy traffic in a city. I smiled. I had outdone both of them. My joy was short lived. Within minutes, I realized I was not exactly leading. Oblivious to me, my companions had taken different turns somewhere in the city. I didn’t even realize when. They hadn’t even signaled goodbye. They  had simply chosen the fastest path which would take them to their destination. They were no longer part of my journey.

    Though there were hundred cars still around me, I felt alone.

    I scanned the road for them for a few more minutes. But in my heart  I knew they were gone, pursuing their own individual journey, just like me.

    It was then that I realized that life is pretty much like a long distance car drive. While we meet thousands of people in our life, we only form special relationships with a few. Few who have chosen to travel at the same speed as us. Others just zip pass or stay behind. The special few, also, stay connected with us only till our paths coincide. Sooner or later, they too, will take turns which are different than ours. Sooner or later, they too, will be gone. Of course, when one (or more) of these companions take a different turn than ours, we feel betrayed and shattered. Weren’t we meant to travel together for the rest of our lives? Why did we meet in the first place, if there was no eternal future for us? Maybe, I am the one responsible for this. Maybe, I don’t know how to manage my relationships or take care of my loved ones. If it was not for me, they would be still here.

    Deep breath.

    If you understood the car analogy, you will relate that when relationships part, there is no fault of any one individual. Relationships part, simply because they were meant to part. Simply because, each individual has their own destination to achieve. While you can ignore your own individual destination for some time, and chose to travel with your companion to his/her destination; sooner or later your own dream will call you again. If you do not follow your own dream, you will never be happy, inside, even while being with your companion. Wouldn’t it have been extremely silly and painful, for me, to pursue those cars ignoring the destination that I was headed for? Where would that have left me in my journey?

    We have to realize that the journey we have chosen for ourselves, is ours and ours alone. We will get companions along the way, but we have to understand and respect that companions have their own journey to take as well. They will part in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years or 100 years. Who knows!?! But the fact is that no one, even your twin, husband, child or best friend will go the last mile, to your grave, with you. The only companion who will stay with you throughout your journey is you, yourself.

    Does this mean that we should stay detached to companions? Does this mean that we should not invest in relationships?

    Even though, I know that none of my family and friends are here forever, I believe in continuing to invest in my relationships and build deeper attachments with all of them. In fact, after the realization that no relationship is permanent, I invest more time in each relationship. Simply because, I never know if I will ever get a chance to show my love, again.

    Like the two cars who joined me for an hour, each relationship, no matter how short or how deep, is important for the journey itself. Each companion has the ability to color our journey and make the journey worth travelling. Imagine a journey where you are only looking at a map and the miles on your odometer. Imagine a journey where you don’t collect a single story to tell. Imagine a journey, where you did not pick a single friend to share. Such a journey might sound exciting for some but it definitely doesn’t sound exciting to me!

    Here’s wishing happy journey to all of you! If you agree with the car analogy, please share it with someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. I hope they find the peace I have found.

  • Beautiful Life

    There is so much beauty around us, inside us. Most of us miss seeing it, feeling it cause we are rushing to earn more, save more. Hoping that one day we will have enough saved to go find this beauty outside of us.

    My day starts with the beauty of rolling out kids from their cozy blankets

    Spilled milk on table tops

    Poo poo just in time for school bus

    Books left behind

    Extended debates on the latest news (ignoring the breakfast and the clock ticking on)

    The peace and quite of the empty house

    Life is beautiful, spilled milk or not.

    Life is beautiful, completed homeworks or not

    It was always meant to be beautiful. It will always be beautiful. Question is – are you absorbing the beauty or are you still searching for it?

  • Ensuring Good Health of the Family is no Child’s Play

    I am one of those proud mothers who takes health of the family a little too seriously. You will often spot me in between shopping aisles scanning ingredients and nutritional value of products. I make it a point to tell my children how much carbohydrates and proteins (or lack of them) they have consumed in each day. I never believe what a marketer says. I always read, research and make up my own mind as to what is best for my family.

    I miss late night events because I ensure my children get adequate sleep and I canwake up in the morning to pack fresh tiffin and snacks for their school. Till date, I have never packed a left-over evening meal for them. Elders often argue with me to take it easy a little. Their arguments often revolve around, “We only ate xyz as children, most of the times. We had never seen a strawberry in real life. We were happy in the little that we got. Despite all this, we are healthy, even today. Why do you worry so much about the diet of your children? Don’t worry! They will be absolutely fine. Let them enjoy their childhood by eating what they want. “

    I know the elders are right about their childhood. But I also know that the quality of our entire environment has deteriorated significantly from the days in which they were children to the days in which I was a child and now. Everything, right from the soil, the air, the water and even education is full of pollutants which load the mind and bodies of our children. Given the amount of adulteration impacting them on daily basis, it becomes even more important for them to eat healthy. I also believe that as parents it is for us to teach healthy habits to our children. When we teach them not to throw garbage on the road, we must also teach them to identify garbage in the food we eat and ensure that they don’t trash their body with it. We also need to teach them about how to identify healthy options in life. We need to talk to them about how brown rice is better than white rice and multi grain atta is better than pure wheat atta.

    On the brighter side, there are a lot of things which are better in the world today than they were in the days of our grandparents. I remember my mother washing wheat and going to the neighbourhood grinder to grind it. We, on the other hand, can not only buy good quality Atta (some brands I trust over others like Aashirvaad atta with multigrains) but also buy it in variants of multigrain or regular. You guessed it, I always buy multigrain, the reason being that Aashirvaad comes with wheat , channa, oat, soya, maize and psyllium husk. The combination and proportion of these six grains have additional nutritive value. They are high in carbohydrates and low in fat, are good sources of protein and provide varying amounts of fibre, vitamins and minerals.

    I believe it pays to be paranoid about some things in life. It pays not to make compromises on health. And of course, it pays to know that good health and good taste can go hand in hand.

    #FitForTheFuture