Shilpa Roy Kota

Parenting Stories (and more) from the desk of an imperfect parent

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  • We love knowing we will leave

    Its been more than a month since we lost a loved one. They say time is the best healer. I think more than time itself, it was the family that came together to stand by us, who saved us from getting lost in this time. The last few of this family, closest of all, left a few days back to get back to their own lives, leaving us officially on our own.

    Few days back, I took the long airport ride to see them off on their journey to the other side of the planet. The fact that it would be months before we meet again, kept rubbing in, throughout the journey. It was a rainy night. Rain had drenched the streets, the cars, the entire night. It was pretty similar to how I felt too, drenched in emotions. My childish mind constantly asked, “Why do they have to go? Why can’t they stay?” The wipers of the car, went back and forth like a finger pointing at me constantly telling me, “No! They cannot stay! No! My wish could not be granted!” I wished the wipers would stop. I wished it would stop raining. I wished they hadn’t had to go.

    With time, nothing changed except my own emotions. Slowly anger gave way to introspection. I wondered why I was feeling so angry inside. I have had family travel miles away, for years together, many time before. I have never felt so emotionally drained before. Why today? The answer was simple. I was feeling this way because I did not want loved ones to leave me either through death or through our life choices. While we cannot control death, we definitely have a control on our choices. Even though we control choices of life, we still choose to stay away from family. We keep calling each other, saying we miss each other, but then we still continue to live far. Why do we do that? Why? What  are we waiting for to change our choices? Wasn’t one meeting with death enough to change our mind?

    I gasped, trying to breathe. Thankfully my six year old niece, sitting on my lap was talking about dinosaurs and earthquakes. My gasp went unnoticed amidst her chatter. The sound of the rain slamming the car also did its part. I wanted to curl up, hug my knees and cry loudly. I had not cried like this even when death visited us. But now, my anger was leading to frustration and frustration to a need for letting go. I let go and silent tears dripped down my cheeks. My niece did not notice. She was now talking about her Grandmother and God. It was one of the rare days that I felt that life is unfair. I kept asking, “Why do we love people knowing they will leave us one day?”

    Days later, as I write this blog, I don’t feel like crying anymore. I guess Time did help me in this case. With the support of time, I have learnt to love and miss loved ones without being sad. I have accepted that loving someone does not necessarily mean that we will live together forever. Sometimes we will drift across continents and sometimes across lives. I believe, if we have loved someone truly, we are sure to meet again in some form at some time. Till such time, I continue to spend time in prayer because it is prayer that helps me experience the love of those who have been distanced from me.

  • Opportunities

    The only thing death takes away is the opportunity to add value by those left alive.

    If you want to add value to someone’s life, do it today, before death meets either of you.

     

  • Is Dying Good for Health?

    Last night, bedtime story for Yog went in a strange direction. I was telling Yog about his Grandmother, “Bamma” and how much she loved him.

    Yog (for the nth time): Why Bamma died?

    Mama: Because she was not feeling well.

    Yog: Is Dying good for health?

    Mama silent for a long time. I had no answer.

    Yog: Where did Bamma go?

    Mama: Bamma went to stay with God.

    Yog: God did not died Bamma?

    Mama again silent for a long time. We die and go to God. When we die with God, where do we go?

    Till date, Yogs questions have been black and white. Is Apple good for health? Are chocolates bad for health? Is water good for health? Is hitting bad manners? Till now, I have been able to answer most questions without thinking much. But as Yog and me deal with our first encounter of death, Yogs questions are bordering on grey. I honestly don’t have answers to these questions. So, for now, Yog is happy accepting my silent tears as answers.

    P.S. – I have received multiple questions on how the children are handling the physical loss. Yog has not cried so far thinking about Bamma. I think, he is more logical and far sighted than I am. He is more capable of handling the dimensions of time and space (or rather lack of them). His questions are not never directed towards life. He is only trying to understand death or more appropriately, what we adults, perceive as death.

  • Essence of Life is Life Itself

    The most important thing about life is “life” itself. When life goes out of the system, there is nothing left. Unfortunately, most people, including me, forget this basic principle and tend to give importance to a lot of ancillary things like food, clothes, and relationships. In the process of gathering these ancillary distractions we forget this basic essence of life.

    Over the years, I have heard these words from a number of Gurus and spiritual books . Till some days ago, I believed that I understood these words. However, the true meaning of these words hit me a few days back when I lost my second mother, “Amma” to an organ transplant gone horribly wrong. I vividly remember the hospital room with numerous machines ticking around her, keeping her body alive. The difference between body and soul has never been more stark to me, as it was in that moment. Her body was still warm. It was still breathing. It was still pumping blood, but the soul had already departed. Throughout the coming days, I felt her soul near me, smiling at me and sometimes even hugging me. Even today, I catch myself looking forward to talking to her, watching her play with children or cooking food in the kitchen. I feel her warm presence like a halo around me, still keeping all of us safe. Still saying, “Don’t worry Shilpa! I am here! Everything will be all right!”

    I know close family worries about me, and the responsibilities I have on my shoulders, now. But honestly, I don’t worry as much about what food we will eat or whether I will be able to keep the house clean. I don’t worry about these ancillary things because Amma, even in her last breath left me this wonderful lesson that the most important thing about life is “life” itself. As long as I am alive, I will sort out the house one day. One day, I will learn to cook like her. One day, I will be able to manage relationships like her. One day, I will meet her again.

    Till then, I will continue to thank God for sending Amma in my life and for keeping life breathing inside me. I also thank the many full of life, family members who have been around us since that fateful moment. They constantly remind me on how to live life, even when there is nothing but an empty road that I see ahead of me, for now.

     

    P.S – There are innumerable emotions right now brimming inside me. I am sure there will many more thoughts that will pour forward in the coming days.

    Toyna drew this drawing of Amma maybe two years ago.

  • The Two Faces of each Child

    I entered home yesterday to ear piercing screams of Yog, coming somewhere from the second floor. From the quality of the scream, I could make out something was definitely wrong. I could smell Dettol as I started climbing the steps. I am proud to say that I did not panic at that moment. I do not panic at the smell of Dettol anymore. I calmly called out to Yog and his Nanny (Parvathi) came out of the room carrying the heavy weight, howling Yog in her skinny arms. I felt sympathy for her even before I could form an emotion for Yog. I immediately transferred the load from her arms to mine and gently carried the sobbing, Dettol smelling Yog to the sitting room couch. Toyna followed close behind. I asked what happened and there was an instant cacophony of sounds from multiple directions. Parvathi, Toyna and Yog had their own version of the story to tell. Trying to follow three different stories at the same time, I understood that Yog hated cycling, his shirt had torn off and Toyna had applied first aid to his back and elbow.

    I thanked Toyna for her courage and quick thinking in taking care of Yog. I then inspected Yogs wounds carefully. I assured Yog that there was no serious injury and he would be fine in no time. Yog calmed down and hugged me close while still sitting in my lap. As soon as his sobs subsided, I heard another set of sobs from the background. I turned around to find Toyna sobbing uncontrollably now. She had retained her cool, all this while, to take care of Yog. Now that, Yog was fine and I was in control of the situation, she let go of her guard and her emotions flowed freely as tears down her cheeks. The pain that had bothered Yog physically had bothered Toyna more, emotionally. We three sat together on the couch for some time, hugging each other and thanking God that no one was seriously hurt.

    This morning, Yog tried playing victim with me. “My hand is paining! I will not go to school!” Without commenting, I applied some medicine and bandaged the wound in a white bandage in the process of getting him ready for school. While the wound was not as serious to deserve a bandage, my experience told me that a big white bandage has magical powers to transform a wound into a bravery badge. Children love these badges, especially for school. Yog inspected the bandage carefully. After he was convinced that the bandage looked serious enough, he picked his school bag and rushed out for school.

    As expected, he was bombarded with questions about the bandage as soon as he boarded the school bus. From the road, I could see, Yog basking in the glory of being the center of attraction. He immediately narrated the story of the evil cycle and the brave Yog. All though I couldn’t hear the story, I could read it from the expressions on his face as the bus rolled away in front of me. I smiled.

    Every child has two characters – one which faces the Mother and the other when the Mother is not looking. Each child loves to remain a child, till the Mother is around. Lo and behold! The childhood magically transforms into a brave knight, courageous doctor or committed student as soon as soon as they know that the Mother is not around. Each child is completely capable of fighting their own battles, but then there is something so special about letting go and crying in the arms of your mother. When you are with your Mother, you know you are not being judged. You know she will keep you safe. Most importantly, you know everything will be all right.

    Don’t worry, if your child depends on you for everything at home. Remember, they still go to school, play at the park, and even sleep on their own, away from you. Deep down, they are capable of taking care of themselves and even their younger siblings. But then everyone needs the indulgent love of a mother for some part in the day. I know I still do. So go ahead and indulge them and yourselves, while you can. These years are not going to last forever.

  • Don’t steal all the credit

    Having two children who are completely unlike each other in every possible way, teaches you a lot about life. I realized one big learning today and wanted to share it with mothers who are too hard on themselves.

    Having brought up two kids almost the same way and yet seeing them worlds apart, tells me that there is only so much that upbringing has to do with health, eating habits, and temperament of a child. The most important factor that is responsible behind them being the way they are is the fact that “they are who they are”.

    As a mother, if you blame yourself for their poor health or bad public mannerisms, please don’t. Even if I have never met you or your children, I can guarantee, you are the best mom they would ever get.

    On the flip side, if you like to take credit for their excellent health and intellectual skills, please don’t. Remember, your child has a mind of his/her own.

    Being a mother is not like being a car owner. We cannot steer children in the direction we want. For me, being a mother is like being a farmer in the field. I can ensure the seed gets the right sunlight, water and air, but I cannot force the seed to grow into a mango tree no matter how much I love mangoes.

  • Why bars of dark chocolate are hidden between layers of saris in my home?

    Why bars of dark chocolate are hidden between layers of saris in my home? I am pretty sure, if Sherlock Holmes was tasked to solve this mystery, he would fail. This is because Sherlock Homes never had children. I am also sure that all parents having kids between 9 to 15 years of age are nodding their heads in understanding. They know, there is no safe place in the house to hide treats. No matter where you hide them, you won’t be able to prevent them from magically disappearing in a few short hours. Every time my husband or I open the fridge to snack on something delicious and unhealthy, we face this mystery. The maid, the children and even grandparents included have no clue where all unhealthy things disappear.

    Tired of losing my favorite chocolate to these mysterious, ravenous monsters, I finally decided to safely hide it in between layers of old saris. Ingenious, isn’t it! I can happily say that I have managed to increase the lifespan of one chocolate from a few hours to a total of 3 days 16 hours and counting. Today, before leaving for work, after making sure there were no monsters lurking around, I stole a bite from the chocolate. For some reason as the chocolate melted in my mouth, I had a vivid flashback. In the flashback, I could clearly see my Mom dressed in a pale yellow suit locking a large tin of home-made Besan ladoos in the dark blue Godrej steel cupboard in her room. I could see a 10 year old me, peeking from behind a wall to see exactly where she had kept the tin. After my mom had left for office, I saw myself trying to pick the lock of the Godrej cupboard to little avail. Godrej has a brand to honour, after all.

    As the chocolate traveled into my gut and the scene slowly disappeared, I realized the root cause behind the mystery of disappearing goodies in our house. The reason was simple. The reason is called “karma”. What I stole as a child, will be stolen from me as I grow old. The recent events in our home, were a reinforcement that the karmic law always apply. This realization lead me to a sadistic thought. I muttered under my breath, “Steal as much as you want! Wait till you have children of your own. You will not get a single bite of your favorite dessert! It will be me, from my grave, who will have the last laugh then!”

    As soon as those words were out, another realization struck me. It was not me but my Mom who was having the last laugh now, even while she is alive. How satisfying it would be for her to see us face the same misery that we made her undergo all those years ago!!

    P.S. – Matrix I was laughing aloud while drafting this one. I hope you have a good laugh too! Love you Mom!

  • My Brother Stole My Childhood

    Some adults always remain children and some children grow up into adult hood even before they have been properly potty trained . I think the speed at which we grow mentally has a lot to do with one, our basic nature and two, the environment around us. A very important factor in the environment is the presence or absence of siblings. I learnt this through two independent events, few days back.

    Yog recently changed schools and I wrote about how traumatic the first day experience was for him and me. What I did not write about then, was another story that unfolded the same day as Yog and me tried to fit ourselves into his new world. In the school waiting room, Yog sat in my lap, hugging me close, scared to let me out of his sight. A few feet away from us, another 3 year old frail girl clung to her 5 year old sister, crying incessantly. She had the same reason to cry as Yog. She did not want to leave the safety of her sisters arms and step into her classroom. The elder sister, a student of the same school, hugged the younger one close and assured her that everything was going to be OK. I could hear her explaining coolly and logically that this was a good school and the teacher would be very nice. The younger one refused to be convinced and continued to cry . I could feel the elder ones emotions as she hugged her sister; kissed her on the forehead and wiped the tears off her sticky cheeks. My heart went out to the elder sister who was barely an year older than Yog. While Yog sat comfortably in my lap, this little girl was shouldering the responsibility of being a mother and guardian to her little sister. While I myself was finding it hard to deal with the pain of leaving my crying son, she was smiling bravely at her brawling little sister. I felt proud and sad for her at the same time.

    Yog has an array of friends who live in the same street as us. Two of them, Siddu and Ganesh are his best friends. Their mother serves as the watch woman to the building opposite to us. One day, I spotted Siddu crying on the road with Ganesh trying to console his little brother. I asked Ganesh what had happened. Ganesh quickly exclaimed with an air of being in control, “Siddu wants to eat Kinder Joy but Mother doesn’t have money to buy it. I told Siddu, when our Mother gets a job, she will buy two Kinder Joys for Siddu. When she gets a promotion in her job, she will buy a big toy train for Siddu.” The conviction in Ganesh’s voice gave Siddu the confidence that it was only a matter of time before he gets his Kinder Joy and toy train. Wiping his tears with the back of his arm, Siddu quickly caught his brothers hand, and ran along to find some sticks to play with. Once again, I felt the pride and sadness rising in my heart.

    When I think of these incidents, and witness the sibling dynamics in my own home each day, I wonder if the younger siblings realize the level of emotional and physical support provided to them by their elder brother/sister. As parents too, we often take for granted the responsibility that the elder one shoulders. Just because they were born a few years earlier, we feel they should be more responsible.

    I know, like many parents out there, I have forced my daughter to grow up much faster than she needed to. I write this blog today, to acknowledge all the sacrifices she has made for her little brother.  I am never scared for the future of my son, because I know my daughter will always be there for him. I guess that is a privilege as well as a curse for all elder siblings in this world. May God bless you with much more love, patience and strength, cause He knows that you need it for sure!

  • Helmet Keeps Us Safe


    Yog has been riding a pink, baby, Disney cycle over the last year. Neither the pink color, nor the Disney Princesses bothered him or his friends, even for a moment. At one point of time, the pink cycle used to proudly carry three young boys on it’s miniature wheels. As Yog enters another year, and the wheels of the cycle start to wear, I finally decided it was time to retire the pink cycle and move to a new one. The new cycle is bigger, bolder and blue in color with shining silver balances on the side. It looked just right for Yog but I was worried that he might hurt himself for it could go much faster than the baby cycle.

    Before Yog got on the new cycle, I urged him to wear a cycling helmet. He looked at me enquiringly, “Why do I need to wear a helmet?” I buckled the helmet and said, “Because helmets keep us safe.” Yog was satisfied with this answer. Without wasting another second he sat on the new cycle and pedaled hard. It was soon obvious that the cycle was indeed too fast for Yog and he was unable to control it. He tried to put his feet down to stop the cycle only to realize that his feet were no longer touching the ground. I panicked, expected a crash and realized another fact – Yog didn’t know how to use the brakes. He had never used brakes on the pink cycle as he could just keep his feet down to stop the cycle.

    Even though my heart had stopped beating, Yog was as cool as ice. Within seconds he reached out to a wall on the side and used it as support to stop the rushing cycle. He then shouted back at me, “Mama, don’t worry! I am wearing a Helmet. I will not fall down!”  For a moment, I thought I didn’t hear him correctly. I was like, “Huh! Who told him that?”

    Before Yog could speed away again and look for walls to stop him, I ran up to him and explained the use of brakes. We practiced braking a few times till I felt confident he was ready to go on the road. As soon as we went on the road, Yog saw a truck coming towards us and he moved to the side of the road and stopped. I patted him for driving safe. He quickly looked up to me with an expression, which said, “Mom, you don’t understand.” and remarked, “Mama, I am wearing a helmet. My helmet told me that truck is coming, so move to the side.”

    I couldn’t help but smiling now. After a few casual rounds on the cycle, Yog coaxed his friend (riding the smaller pink cycle) into a race. I cautioned Yog and said, “Yog, let’s not race today. This cycle goes very fast and you don’t have enough practice on the brakes.” Yog shrugged and gave me the same look again. With that came the ready response, “Mama!! Relax! I am wearing a helmet. I will be safe.”

    Huh! By now, I was wondering whether the helmet was a good choice or a bad choice, for today. Nonetheless, I was impressed by Yogs’ faith in that simple blue device. It had given him the confidence to step out into the world on a higher, faster cycle which even had brakes. Wow! If this is the power of wearing helmets, we should wear it too when trying out new things. I hope it can make us adults also believe that as long as we are wearing it, everything is going to be all right.

  • What do you want to become when you grow up?

    “What do you want to become when you grow up?” This is a favorite question for every parent. I have seen parents (including me and my husband) repeating this question to their children many times  over the years. The first few responses are simply adorable. I am told that my first response to this question was, “I want to become a Dad”.

    As the child enters adolescence the response starts to be more thought through. As parents, we also start becoming more serious about it. After all, it is time to lay the foundation of their long term career. If they want to become a painter, they should join painting classes. If they want to become a dancer, then parents should look for dance masters, and so on. Parents nowadays go to great lengths to fulfill the ambition of their children. I know of many parents who even uproot the complete family, just to give the right environment for the child to pursue his/her ambition.

    Given that most parents, today, want their child to follow their passion and are ready to support the passion, children of today should be the smartest and happiest kids ever to walk this planet. Unfortunately, I see the reverse trend. It saddens me to see that majority of this generation is more frustrated, confused and direction less than we were as children.

    As a young parent, I always believed children’s mind was like a clean slate. It had nothing written on it. It was the parents responsibility to teach them everything. What is right, what is wrong, what food they should eat, what games they should play, etc. If this was true, then the knowledge and sense of purpose in kids should grow as they age. But I see a reverse trend here again. I see younger kids more self aware, confident and purposeful than their older counterparts.

    It almost feels like that our whole ecosystem has methodically and successfully robbed our children of their innate sense of purpose over their growing years. Sit like this. Eat like this. Do this. Walk like this. Read this book. Do not run, you can fall. Do not stare, it is bad manners. Do not watch TV, it will dull your mind. Do not hit even when you are angry. Do not cry even when you are sad. Do not jump in the water. Do not roll in the mud. Do not eat chocolates. Do not … do not… do not… Do not think on your own cause you don’t know how to.

    Well, if this is what we have drilled into the innocent minds of our children, forcing them to fit into the seemingly perfect world, should we expect an answer when we ask, “What do you want to become when you grow up?” We forced them to forget everything that they were born with. We forced them to believe that their natural instincts were wrong. How then, can we expect them to look deep within themselves and find their answer?

    If you have been a parent who has made all the choices for your children so far, do them a favor. Don’t ask your child this question, ever. Decide their career and life partner also for them. Also be around for them till they become 100, so you can continue to guide them and their children as they grow up. You have done a lot already, just do this for a little more time.