Shilpa Roy Kota

Parenting Stories (and more) from the desk of an imperfect parent

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  • Maybe it is time for Happy Mothers Day

    A few days back I was casually discussing the sale season with my mother. I like to think that both of us are “smart shoppers” who ensure that we spend the right amount for the right thing at the right time. Given the ongoing sale, I was nudging my mom to check out the stores and complete her shopping list. She, however, sadly exclaimed, “Beta, I don’t feel like going alone to the malls. They are so big and crowded. I fear I will get lost.” My heart filled with love for her. I tried reading beyond her words into what she really meant. After all, my Mom is a superwoman. She can never be scared. She has traveled most of the world alone to reach her daughters whenever they needed her. She has sat outside Government offices on Dharna to evict an IAS officer from our rightfully owned property. She has run multiple businesses in parallel, successfully (some out of hobby and some out of need). She has carried an 11 year old me in her arms all the way to the doctor when I crushed my toe. Was she trying to tell me she was scared of going to the neighborhood mall alone? It couldn’t be true. What did she really mean?

    Maybe she was trying to say, that she wanted one of us to go along with her because she always looks forward to our company. Or maybe she is actually getting old and not as brave anymore. But the latter option just didn’t sound right. My mom could never get old. My mom could never be scared. She has been the rock behind my courage and strength. How can my rock ever get weak? I could never let that happen.

    I realized a few days later that maybe it was time that Mom could stop being a rock.  Maybe it was time that she can let her hair down and let her daughters take care of her, in place of the other way round. Maybe it was time, that we become the rocks for her.

    On Mothers Day this is my message for her, “Dear Matrix, you don’t need to be working so hard anymore. Please relax and allow us to take care of you now. I promise to spend the next sale season together with you. I promise to join you in shopping, carrying your bags and paying your bills too. A very very Happy Mother’s Day to the best Mom we could have ever had. Love you loads”

     

    Pic Courtesy: Bhaargavi Toyna Kota. From left to right  – Me, Aartee and Heeral. The hairdos might not match us, but the face expressions completely do.

  • Protection begins at Home

     

    As soon as the summer holidays started, my twelve year daughter took her first independent flight to Delhi to meet her Nani. Needless to say, I consider this as a big milestone for all of us. Her maiden, independent flight is a sign that our little bird is ready to fly out of our safe nest. I was scared, nervous, apprehensive but most of all extremely proud of her. A few of our friends and family who knew about the flight were skeptical. Isn’t she too young? Isn’t the world a bad place for little girls travelling alone? Are you not being an irresponsible parent?

    These are good questions for sure. Yes, she is quite young. Yes, I am aware of the crime statistics, especially against women. But No, I am not being an irresponsible parent. For me, protecting my child does not mean keeping her safe inside the home. For me, protecting my child means enabling her for her own safe flight. Having said this, I completely understand the sentiment of all those parents who are scared of letting their daughters out of the house alone. I was there in their shoes 8 years ago. This is the story of how I learnt to switch my parenting shoes from being a protective parent to an holistic parent.

    When my daughter was born, I protected her diligently. I carefully observed her friends, bus drivers and teachers. I watched over her in the playground. I did whatever responsible parents are supposed to do to ensure safety and well being of their wards. In her fourth year, one beautiful evening, a few days before Diwali, my daughter met with a freak accident at the park, injuring her right arm. Hours that followed, changed my outlook about life forever. She was diagnosed with a third degree supra condylar humerus fracture which had damaged the nerve of her right arm. She underwent a complex surgery to reconstruct the elbow, but doctors were not sure if the movement of the arm could be restored. As we celebrated Diwali in the hospital, I questioned God. Why did He make my little child go through this? What lesson was He trying to teach me through this? Couldn’t He have chosen an easier method?

    It was years later, after my daughters arm had completely healed that I understood the lesson from God. The lesson was clear. It was not my responsibility to protect my daughter. No matter what I did, I could not guarantee her safety 24×7 for the rest of her life. As a parent, it was my responsibility to teach her to protect herself. The only person who could keep her safe for the rest of her life was she herself.

    Since the time I realized this, I have invested time, energy and money to enable my daughter to be able to protect herself. It started with open communication, talking to her about what are the possible dangers in the world out there. I did not sugar coat any facts, but I did not try to scare her either. After all, for every bad human out there, there are many more good humans as well. She took classes on self-defense for a couple of years. She was encouraged to step out to the neighborhood shops on her own. Small baby steps over the years, coupled with her resolve, confidence and personality brought us to the day where we stood outside the departure gates that hot summer afternoon.

    Again, in spite of my confidence in my daughter, and her confidence in herself, there are no guarantees that life will not hurt her again. That is the fact that humbles us and makes us plan for her future. While we plan for the worst case scenarios, we also ensure that we enjoy each moment for what it is. She still goes to the park regularly. She still gets bumps and bruises. Over the years she has learn to catch her fall most of the times. In addition, she has also learnt to apply first-aid when she needs it. In my opinion, this is the best protection we can give our child.

    I do not consider myself a perfect parent. As I said above, I learnt this lesson an extremely hard way. As I write this blog, I realize, maybe God made this lesson so hard for me because He wanted me to share this lesson with other parents.

    The only thing that can keep our children safe is their own knowledge, awareness and physical ability. I learnt this the hard way. I sincerely pray that none of you have to learn it the same way.

  • Feed, Love, Pray

    The relationship between Food and Love runs very deep in India. If you love someone, you take them out to fancy restaurants. When you want to make up for a fight, you cook something special for your love. When you want to pamper yourself, you binge on food you love (not necessarily food which is good for you). Food is such an important part of our lifestyle that I sometimes wonder about the adage, “We live to eat or we eat to live”.

    This love for food or rather the love to feed can be observed at its peak in a mother and child relationship. I agree that during pregnancy and the first year of infancy, weight gain of the child is one of the important parameters tracked by doctors and parents alike. Consistent body weight gain indicates that the child is growing well. Since food is an important contributor to weight gain, mothers take extra attention on what they eat (during pregnancy) and they feed the child (post birth). After the first year, body weight as a parameter of wellness loses its significance. But Indian mothers do not seem to know this. We continue to focus on weight gain of the child till the child allows us to do so.

    In one of the recent visits to my sons pediatrician, I tried to ask him casually, “Do you think Yogs weight is appropriate for his age? He has not gained any weight for the last 3 months.” The doctor, one of the most respected pediatricians in town, let out a sigh and looked at me straight in the eye, “You know you are just like my mother. I weigh 98 kgs today. But my mother worries that I have not gained any weight in the last one year.” I quickly averted my gaze in embarrassment. I knew he was right with his blunt remark. I knew my sons weight is fine (if not slightly over), but I needed an assurance from the doctor to tell me that my son was fine. I needed an assurance from the doctor that I was a good mom. I needed that assurance to believe that I was doing well in the most important job, I held.

    As urban parents, I honestly think, we should be more worried about obesity as a serious problem for our children in place of undernourishment. When I see parents fussing over food with children who are already close to being obese, I want to step in and caution them. But, I don’t. In my heart, I know that I fuss over my children and my husband’s food habits, more than I should. No matter how hard I try, I too believe that ensuring good food on the table is a way of showering love on them.

    The only thing I avoid, since that conversation with the pediatrician,  is measuring the height and weight of my children. As long as they are active and free from infections, I take it as a sign that I am good mom. The only person who uses the weighing machine in our house, is me. Again, like most women out there, I want to ensure my relationship with weight gain continues, but in the reverse order. 😊

    P.S. I do not have significant data points on this aspect from other regions outside of India. Does this apply to most countries?

  • “Parenting” when you are 50

    I used to think that being a parent is one of the most difficult roles, one can ever play. You are literally responsible for the health, wealth, happiness and attitude of young minds. Over the years, I have changed this view. I think there is one more role that is even more challenging, which most of us end up playing as we get older. That is the role of a “parent-in-law”.

    Consider this – at about 50 years of your life, you are finally done with your responsibilities, you have also managed to give decent values and direction to your children, you have saved enough for your retirement, and now you think you can relax and spend the rest of the years spiritually. Looking forward to it, you happily marry your child (or children), be it a son or a daughter and start planning for your retired life. The bubble breaks when you realize that in place of handing your loved one into the care of someone else, you yourself have ended up adopting another child in your family. The bigger challenge is that this child is about 25 years old.

    Nonetheless, quickly accepting reality for what it is, you park your own dream of retirement for a while, and welcome this addition in your family. You shower them with all that you have – love, care, space. In return, you wish that this child will carry forward your family legacy, follow your values and support you in your time of need. But alas, you realize, that this child is significantly different from your own children and at the same time not so open to change. Even though, you love them as your own child, you cannot be as open to them as you are to your own children. You see them making mistakes, getting hurt but cannot offer open advice as it might be misinterpreted. Differences in culture, values and attitudes adds up even more complexity and spice.

    Imagine, how painful it must be. At an age, where all you wanted was to be free from stress and responsibilities, you end up adding to those, because you have one more rebellious, and stubborn child that you are now responsible for.

    Though I have never experienced this pain myself, I know I have caused enough of it. My heart now goes out to all parents playing the role of a parent-in-law. I salute your perseverance and maturity. I pray that one day when I step in your shoes, I remember your ways and try and follow them for my adopted children. Amen!

  • Lower the Volume

     

    Raising your voice ensures that you are heard

    But it rarely means that you are understood

  • Some Jarlie is better than no Jarlie

    Yog and me achieved a new development milestone on a trip to the Supermarket, few days ago. We dedicate this milestone to Jarlie. This is how the story goes.

    Toyna, Yog and I love Jarlie. You may ask, “Who doesn’t?” but that is not the message of this story. Till date, whenever we go to a supermarket, we always pick two jars of Jarlie, to share between the three of us.  On this historic day, Toyna caught one jar and Yog another, all the way till the billing counters. The two jars were the first items to be billed to ensure that  we could start eating them while the rest of the packets queued down slowly under the scanner.

    Yogs eyes glowed as the velvety chocolate entered his gut. I waited patiently for him to come and offer me a bite. He usually does share (especially with me) the things he loves. I assumed that it is his love for me, that compels him to share his favorite food with me. However, that love did not seem to be waking up that day.

    As the top chocolate layer disappeared from the cake, I decided to step in for myself. I walked up to Yog and took a dig into his sinful chocolate cake. Yog went into shock and all hell broke loose on the supermarket floor. How could anyone take a bite from his Jarlie? Didn’t anyone teach manners to his Mom? How unfair could the world get? He started crying loudly, right there on the side of the queue. That did not deter me. I calmly told him that we share things as a family.

    I was hoping that my calm attitude would help him come around and return to being my loving son. When that didn’t happen, I forced myself for another bite from his jar. Now, Yog switched from shock to disbelief. He quickly kept the jar back into the shopping cart as if I had made it  impure by my touch. He ran to Toyna, with tears streaming his face and said, “Mama took two bites from MY cake!!!!”. Toyna calmly explained to him that it was OK and there was still enough cake in the jar for both of us. However, Yog had gone beyond the line of reasoning. He sobbed, stomped his feet on the ground but refused to touch the jar again. He kept repeating, “I want a full jar, only for myself. I will not buy Jarlie for Mama.”

    I refused to give in to the theatricals. We had finished billing by now and I calmly walked out the store taking another bite of the cake. Yog was now at a complete loss of words or expressions. In his mind, he was trying to decide whether to try his theatrics for some more time or to try and salvage the leftover Jarlie from the clutches of his monstrous Mom. My next bite made the decision easy for him. He rushed to take the jar from me and quickly took a big bite. He then ran ahead so that I could not touch him or his favorite Jarlie.

    I couldn’t help but smile at his tear strewn face. I was happy that he took a logical decision and did not let drama stand in the way of reason. After all, some Jarlie is better than no Jarlie at all. While Yog learnt the use of “Reasoning”, that day, I learnt that my once toddler son was on his way to become a big boy. I was no longer his first and only love. There were many more materialistic things in Yogs life that had become more important than me. I just couldn’t decide whether to thank Jarlie or curse Jarlie for that learning!

    P.S. Special thanks to the bystanders at the Supermarket, whose names or even faces I don’t recollect. Thank you for being patient with a hysterical child and a stoic mother. I am sure God is watching and in return for this patience, He will save you at least one hysterical theatrics from your own child.

    image courtesy: jarlie.in

  • If God begged you to choose a Dream…

    I asked a simple question to 70 working women on the occasion of Women’s Day, “If God came today and begged you to choose your dream, what dream would you choose?” Ten minutes later, I had my answers. 100% of the women said, “My dream is to take good care of my parents and my children.” When I was preparing for the workshop, I knew a majority would prioritize this dream, but the majority would be 100%, was something that I was not prepared for. I coaxed them to think of a dream above being a mother and daughter because before being a mother/daughter they were individuals who had to have dreams and wants for themselves.

    As silence progressed in the room, I knew no one had ever asked them this question before. They had not even asked this question to themselves. Right from the day they were born, they have been told that the ultimate goal of a girl is to take care of husband, parents and raise healthy kids. But what happens to women when children have moved out and parents are no longer in this world? Without having any dreams for themselves, what are women supposed to do at that time? I tried telling them that having a dream of their own did not make them a bad mother or a bad daughter. In fact, if they did not know how to achieve their personal dreams, how would they teach their children to dream uninhibitedly. If women in this world did not have dreams beyond being a mother and daughter, how would the nation progress? How would the world progress?

    In my mind, I struggled to break this invisible wall. How could I have them think beyond their current responsibilities? Then I framed the same question in a different way, “When you were a child, and you did not have to worry about taking care of your parents or your children, what did you want to become?” I told them my story of wanting to become a Dad. I told them my daughters story of wanting to become a Ballerina. Slowly, I saw the mood changing. A beautiful lady said she had wanted to become a Pilot. Another one promptly raised her hand and said, “I wanted to be a doctor…”. Slowly I had a list coming out – Fashion Designer, Musician, Dancer and more. I saw them really digging into their memories and trying to revive their childhood dreams.

    While a lot of them came out with their dreams, the majority of women still looked at me blank faced. They still had not understood the question. Could there be another dream for a woman in addition to being a good mother and a daughter? As the clock ticked on and my time was up, I ended the workshop with a heavy heart. I left the floor urging them to connect with the child within themselves and look beyond their immediate responsibilities. I hoped that the child would guide them to reignite their dreams.

    As I walked to my car, I could feel their dilemma walking alongside me. After all, I was in the very same shoes, just a couple of years ago. I had never acknowledged my dreams to myself. I kept thinking that if my dreams came out in the open, they would disrupt the peace and balance of my household. They would definitely come in the way of my children’s wellbeing. As a mother, I had to prioritize my children’s dreams. My wants and dreams did not really matter.

    I think it was the monotony of daily life along with an urge to do something bigger that slowly forced my dreams to come out from the dark corners of my heart. As soon as my dream were out, I readied myself for my family’s disapproval. But that did not happen. In fact, they were thrilled that I had a dream of my own. When I started pursuing my dreams, it made me a happier and fulfilled individual. Because I was happy, I could keep my children and my parents happy. I am a better mother, a better daughter, and a better citizen because I am a happier person now than I was before.

    I am sure the audience I met yesterday does not represent 100% of the women out there. I am sure many of us have identified our dreams and have built an ecosystem around us to support the dreams. I write this blog for those women who have not yet acknowledged their dream. If you do not agree with me on this one, please share your views. If you think the only dream a women is entitled to have, is that of being a Mother, Wife and, Daughter, I would love to talk, argue (or whatever it takes) to start a dialogue on this front.

  • Die Today. You can choose to Live Tomorrow.

    The camera men are doing their job fantastically well. They are recording the entire wedding in detail. So what if the rest of the family sitting in the front of the stage are not able to view the main wedding, at all. We can always view the recording later.

    Isn’t this how we constantly experience the most precious moments of our lives? Even before we have lived them, we record them. Annual days, birthday parties, first words, marriage proposals and even weddings are all viewed by us, only from behind a camera lens. So much so, that in order to ensure that the camera recording is perfect, we let go of the live experience completely. Such a shame!

    Sadly this camera mania is just a metaphor of our larger lifestyle. We constantly invest time, money and emotions carefully crafting our future. So what, if we forego some pieces of our present in the process!?! All this effort towards building the future is going to be completely worth it, if we can sit back and relax in the future. This is what we have been taught since childhood. Study now, play later. Work hard, build a career. You will have enough years to enjoy when you grow old. We try and save all the good things for the future, as if the present is a punishment, not meant to be enjoyed. If I were to extrapolate this in a dramatic way, it would be equivalent to  choosing to die first, so that we can live happily, later.

    Pessimists will argue that there is a reason we save and invest for the future. We don’t want to be begging on the road when we are 65. I completely agree! However, what is the guarantee any one of us will live till we are 65? For the sake of the argument, let’s consider that we are lucky enough to have lived till we are 65. What is the guarantee that all the material wealth we have accumulated in our lives will survive along with us? We live in the world of economic uncertainties and there is no form of investment that is absolutely fail proof. Yes, you may choose to buy an independent island and declare it your own sovereign country. Even then, there is no guarantee that you will not be overthrown by a neighboring island plus there is global warming, anyways. Unfortunately gold, stock, property or even Swiss dollars don’t come with a life time guarantee.

    Bottom line, the only thing guaranteed in this life is the present moment that we have. If we cannot live it completely, right here, right now, it is not worth saving for the future, either. Work hard towards the things that matter to you, not the things that promise future security. The only way to secure your future happiness is to build a life around the things that make you happy today.

    For once I will also think on behalf of the pessimists, “What if you are not able to save enough doing the thing that you love? You might end up begging on the street when you are 65”. The chances of you ending up begging are honestly much higher if you are not working on what you love, today. Even if, what you love does not guarantee a perfect future, at least it has already guaranteed a perfect present.

    P.S. – Next time a camera man blocks my view, don’t hold me responsible for the consequences.

  • Mum Always Knows

    I sent a message to my Mom over whatsapp today, telling her I am missing her and I wish I could come and hug her. Promptly came her reply, “Is all well? Are you sad?”.

    Hmm, I thought for a moment, “I don’t think I am sad. What made Mom think that?” And then after a few moments, I realized, I was indeed sad, for reasons that I didn’t even acknowledge to myself. Till that reply from my Mom, I hadn’t even allowed myself to be sad. How in the hell could Mum have known? Well, I knew the answer for this one. Mum always knows.

    Toyna usually calls me as soon as she gets home from school. I already know the reason for her call even before I pick the call. She says, “My stomach is paining.” I know she actually wants to say, “Mum, I don’t want to go to Taekwondo class.” She says, “Mum, I am not hungry for dinner.”, I know she actually wants to say, “I would rather save my appetite for the ice cream after dinner.” When she doesn’t say anything at all, I know there is a lot that she actually wants to say, but words are not allowing her to. Mum always knows. As my own children grow up, I feel the invisible, strong bond between all of us constantly holding us together.

    As I settled into adulthood, leaving my mom thousands of miles away, I felt the same bond with my mom would probably weaken because of the time and space. I thought maybe my mom would probably not understand me, that well, anymore. But her message today, proved me wrong. Even when I, myself, could not understand me, she could still read me over a simple phone message.

    Just like my mom still knows me, I hope I will also know my children wherever they go in life. I hope my children can always message me to hug me when they feel alone. I hope they never feel the need to lie to me, cause even if they do, Mum always knows.

  • Toyna, Yog and Grammar

    Toyna and me participating in Communications Workshop.

    Toyna examples on:

    • Simple Past  – Yog hit me.
    • Present Continuous – Yog is messing the room.
    • Past Continuous – Yog was biting me when Mama came in the room.
    • Future Continuous – I will be kicking Yog the next time he hits me.
    • Past Perfect – Yog had already messed the room when I woke up.

    This proves, beyond doubt, that Yog is always on Toynas’ mind. The reason behind the same is something to ponder about.