Shilpa Roy Kota

The Gift of Good Health

9th Apr 2015

Most days Yogs unlimited energy can be the source of real strain on everyone in the house. Jumping on chairs, climbing on tables, trying to get the TV down or putting his hands between the elevator doors, all these pranks manage to keep everyone on their toes. On extreme days, I wish he would be a little less active, a little more calmer and a lot more disciplined.

I guess, my prayers were answered and I was gifted such a day today. Yog contracted a bad stomach infection and he lay in bed barely able to move, dirtying diaper after diaper. There was no jumping around, no broken cups, and absolutely no mess in the house. In spite of the absolute cleanliness in the house, the whole house turned gloomy as the cheer disappeared from every corner. Yog was on medication, ORS, and buttermilk the whole day. On the face of it, I could not afford to show my worry, but inside I was waiting every minute to see a sign that he was improving. Anything, just anything to show me that the medication was working and he was getting better. And then God heard my prayers again. Yog was was playing with his blocks while eating dinner. He got bored and threw the whole set across to the other end of the room. The blocks crashed down and turned the clean room into a big mess within a second. Yogs face lit up with satisfaction and he smiled happily. Even though I pretended to be angry, my heart heaved a sigh of relief. This was definitely a sign that he was feeling better.

As the evening progressed and his energy returned, so did the naughty pranks. The only difference today was that my sense of appreciation for these pranks was far more than on normal days. Each new mess meant that he was a little bit more better. How in the world could I have ever prayed for a clean and calmer house? After today, I can never imagine to trade the mess and the strain for cleanliness and peace. The broken cups no longer mean mischief. They are a sign that Yog is growing taller each day and his mind becoming more aware of his surroundings. He wants to learn and explore the world around him. Which mother could possibly see a problem with that?

Later in the night, as Yog decided to mix his drinks (both ORS and buttermilk together) and try the concoction, I silently thanked God for always listening to my prayers. I now know that, God is definitely out there to grant all our wishes. It is up to us to be careful in what we ask for.
Genes

8th Apr 2015

Most parents I know regret the fact that their children have taken after their spouse. They secretly wish that their children were more like themselves. For me it is completely the opposite.

I am really glad that both my children have taken after their father. It works out extremely well for me, as their father himself is on the move quite often. In such a scenario, just looking at both of them, I see glimpses of him in the food we eat, in the way we go for walks, in the way we roll over with laughter. He is always midst of us even when he is miles away.

I actually feel bad for him, cause when I am no more in this world, he would really have no one like me, with him. When such a time comes, I am pretty sure he is going to miss me really bad. Knowing the rare piece that I am, he would have such a difficult time finding someone like me out in the world too.

I am blessed to have children who are like their father. I experienced him as an adult, and I now get to experience him like a child too. 🙂
Network with the Second Level Supplier

7th Apr 2015

I have learnt that in order to find the right resource for your project you should create a relationship with the suppliers who provide resources to the resource you need.

For example: When searching for a cook for my household, we approached agents, bakeries, and sweet shops but did not get any response. After all these people consume the resource in demand (in this case a cook) themselves. So why would they pass on their own valuable resource to me.

Then one evening, when I was buying vegetables with our neighborhood Green Grocer, I broached the subject for a cook with her. She thought for a while and said she will let me know. We exchanged numbers and parted ways. She referred two cooks to me. I didn’t like them, but I found the connection working. I dropped my number with three more vegetable sellers in my neighborhood and my phone has been ringing non stop since then.

This experience taught me that these second level suppliers are much more willing to share their client details upstream. By doing so, they are actually doing a favor to their client and hence creating loyalty for their own brand. So the next time, I am looking for a good resource, I will need to identify the supply chain for that resource and make a relationship with the second level supplier directly.

See, I always told you, there is a lot to learn on Project Management from simply running a household.
The Master Key

5th Apr 2015

I hereby make a prophecy that 20 years from now, Yog will become some form of automobile engineer. While a car mechanic is also an automobile engineer, like any other starry eyes mother, I think he will be somewhere in the likes of Dilip Chaabria or working with the ISRO on the creating the shuttle to reach the black hole near Saturn. This prophecy is based on a simple fact that ever since Yog was able to focus his two eyes together, he is just obsessed with engines, cycles, bikes, cars, tractors, trucks and aeroplanes. For someone like me, who just not into automobiles of any kind, this is really a very big deal.

When he steps down to play in the evening, on the road, his favorite pass time is to climb on top of parked motorcycles and try to open car doors to see if he can climb into the driver seat. He is also happy to take a free ride with the passing auto-rickshaws. He loves to carry my scooter key with him and will try and fit that key in all the machines that he passes by. The same key in the ignition, in the petrol lock, in the trunk, in the cycle and in the auto as well. In his eyes, it is the Master Key which will make the hidden engine run to his commands.

Similar to Yogs Master Key for automobiles, Yog and Toyna, both have a master key for life as well. That Master Key is called “Mama”. Right from the time they wake up, till the time they get into bed (and sometimes in the middle of the sleep as well) they have one solution to all problems of their life – Mama. Where is my book, my pen, my shorts, my homework, my friends, my father, my sleep, my fun, my life? All answers are supposed to be with Mama. As a mother, I think I ought to feel proud that they love me so much. But I cannot fool myself into believing that. This is not love. This is a one way, life endangering dependence. I think as a mother, my role is not be the answer to all their problems. My role is to be help them discover their own answers. If they are dependent on me for such basic life surviving skills, then I am surely not doing my job well.

The easiest way to solve this problem would be to let them fall, let them fail. In the process, they would learn that one, falling hurts and two, how to walk more carefully next time, so that they don’t fall. But then, as a mother, it is so difficult to let your child fall, let her fail. Would I ever be able to live with the guilt, that I could have protected them from falling, but I still let them fall and get hurt? As each new school session starts, I promise to myself, I will let Toyna decide how much she wants to study. I will not intervene. I will let her fail or let her stand first, based on what she wants to do herself. It cannot be my decision. It has to be hers. But then, I cannot help check her books at the end of the evening for unfinished homework or incorrect sums. It is just in my blood. I guess I cannot digest my food till I know her homework is done.

So at the end of the day, if Toyna is dependent on me for her studies, I think it is because I have made her dependent. Because, I cannot afford to have her fail one class. Because, I think that she is not ready to own up her life, just yet. So the next time that she yells at the top of her lungs, standing in the middle of the bathroom, asking for her towel, I guess I better not complain. I did have a choice, after all, and I still chose to be their Master Key. Alas! I am not proud of this fact, but I guess I am willing to live with the guilt of having them dependent on me, than living with the guilt that I didn’t do enough.
Welcome to the Real World

2nd Apr 2015
Nirbhaya in December 2012 changed the world that we live in. The outrage, in those days, was so high that it managed to break down a lot of dams that the society had carefully built over centuries. The flood that followed soaked, tumbled and rinsed the whole country pretty much like a fully automated washing machine. As an after effect of the Nirbhaya tragedy, we now have more and more men and women stepping up for women rights. We have Deepika Padukone going to the extent of suggesting that extra marital sex is fine. We have Leslee Udwin trying to show the lack of remorse in the rapist. We have a number of writers, painters, bollywood stars, business leaders talking about women equality. And then we have this…

This is a page from the EVS text book of my 10 year old daughter. She is in the fifth standard. For the first time in her curriculum, she was introduced to different systems in the human body. Right from nervous system, digestive system, excretory system, all the way till the reproductive system. I was helping her learn all these systems and comparing the Text book to her class work book. I realized that her teacher had missed explaining one system to the class. You guessed it – the teacher had forgotten to teach about the reproductive system. I explained the system in simple terms to my daughter. She already knows how babies are formed, so she was able to relate to it.

I was amazed at how could a Science teacher of an international school avoid the subject of Reproduction also knows as Sex, all together? I thought times had changed. I thought Nibhaya had woken us all up. I was wrong. The reality of today still remains that we are not addressing the problem where it needs to be addressed – in our education system. The teacher might argue that children of this tender age need not be exposed to this knowledge. Does she know that puberty for a girl child can start anywhere between 7 to 13 years of age? Given this fact and the fact that with each new generation the average age of achieving puberty is coming down, I think my daughter has every right to know these facts.

Deep inside, I felt the outrage rising again. How in the world, do we expect to address issues on women equality, domestic violence, rape and female infanticide, when we cannot or rather do not even want to talk about human reproductive systems?? For me, all these issues stem from a common root cause – the lack of Sex Education amongst the masses. The hype related to sex, creates these different notions in Men and Women. Notions like Men are more superior than Women. Therefore, Men can treat Women as objects for pleasure or objects for venting frustration. So many children are raped and molested each day, but these children don’t even know that what is happening to them is wrong; that they need to protest and stop it.

For me, all these issues are related. And the solution is very simple, talk about them openly.
- “Sex is not taboo. You don’t have to avoid talking about it.”
- “If you are raped, it is not your fault.”
- “A girl child is equally important in the ecosystem, else the whole balance will collapse.”
- “Women are not objects, they have an equally valuable role to play.”
These are very simple messages, but our society does not want to talk about it. Schools as the primary mode of education for our society, have a very important role to play. It is in these schools that children learn the fundamentals about life through objective, rational facts. If schools cannot handle this responsibility then we really have a very serious problem at hand. If we cannot talk about Sex Education to our children, we will need at least a thousand more Nirbhayas to smack us in our face, before we wake up. Just remember that one of those Nirbhayas could be your own daughter or granddaughter as well.
My Sunday got a new name – Rahagiriday

29th Mar 2015

Have you ever danced in the middle of a busy city road, in front of more than 100 spectators, to lyrics you don’t even understand, and still enjoy every bit of it? Have you ever ran downhill holding hands with your children, singing songs and letting the breeze gently blow your hair and your worries away (again in the middle of the busy city road)? Have you ever seen a middle aged lady, dressed conservatively in a sari, sway her hips to the choreography of a 20 year old boy, again in the middle of the road? Have you played cricket and roller skating and kite flying in the middle of the road, all on one day? Have you ever woken up at 6 AM on a Sunday, drove for more than 1 hour to reach such a kind of road?

I did all this today at the Rahagiri day! And it was so intoxicating that I plan to do this each Sunday. Here is the story of how this day came to happen.

We have a Saturday night ritual of loading our hair with oil. (I am yet to understand the reason behind this ritual, but my mom used to do it for us, and I do it for my kids without asking the question why.) As I oiled Toynas hair last night, she proposed that we go to Rahagiri tomorrow. “Rahagiri? But it is so far! And I am so tired! And it will be so hot! And tomorrow is the only day of the week that Mama gets to sleep late. Rahagiri? No, please not tomorrow! We will go another Sunday. Plus, we already have so much oil in our hair! What will people think of us if we go to Rahagiri in this state!” I could see she was not too happy with foregoing Rahagiri but then she cared for her Mom enough to let her get some sleep on Sunday Morning.

Come Sunday morning (today), my alarm clock (Yog, who has a body fitted with an alarm inside) woke up at sharp 6 AM. He wanted milk. As I held him in my arms, Toyna went to the kitchen to heat the milk. After drinking the milk, Yog happily rolled back to sleep. But by then, Toyna was wide awake and so was I. Toyna looked at me and said, “Rahagiri?”. I grumbled under my breath to show that Mama was doing this just for her and asked her to get ready. Honestly, I was excited myself, but why lose an opportunity to earn some brownie points! Head heavy with oil, plain T shirts and slacks and we were ready for the biggest public party at Hyderabad. Off we drove, in the crisp summer morning to the other side of the city where hundreds of city folks gather on the designated road.

Our first stop was Zumba. Toyna instantly jumped in to the alien dance form, but I was shy. There were so many people there. What would they think? But the music was so exciting, I couldn’t help but slowly join in. We swayed, jumped, laughed and probably made a big fool of myself. But who cares! There were at least 50 more middle aged women out there, not caring what the world thought! Well, if they could, then so can I! A few songs later, we slowly pulled ourselves out from the crowd and decided to check out what else was in store. For a while, we just walked hand in hand, singing along, cracking jokes and watching the other children cycle around, enjoying the peace of the beautiful morning. We stopped for water, then kite flying and then trying our hand at cricket.

As we drove back home, later in the morning, I couldn’t help but think that the whole trip to Rahagiri was much more rewarding than any movie, shopping mall, toy store, or even park that I have taken Toyna to. In my mind, I celebrated the fact that we defied the laws of city entertainment today. We didn’t spend a penny, didn’t eat any junk, and yet had a great time. Was it even possible in todays age?

In the modern day life of today, where systems, routines and values are pretty much flexible and based on convenience of the user, I constantly feel the need to establish some form of rituals for my children to follow – Oil every Saturday night, being one of them. I am hoping that given the benefits of something like Rahagiri for me and my children, I can include it as a part of my rituals. I am hoping to dance along with other middle aged women, like me, and not care what the rest of the world thinks about us. I am hoping to unwind completely as we go rolling down the road. I am hoping to feel fresh and energetic right at the start of the week. I am hoping to meet new folks and make new friends in the middle of the road. And above all, I am hoping to establish that connection with my family. After all, isn’t that what Sundays are for?
How much do you love me?

28th Mar 2015

Have been thinking about calling a friend, but something stops me from dialing the number. I have been the one calling her the last three times, but she never seems to get enough time to call me. In fact, the last time I caller her, she said she was busy and she will call me back. It has been five days and she hasn’t called back still. Maybe she is no longer interested in me. Maybe I should also stop calling her up too.

Does this sound familiar!?! I can’t say about men, but there are a number of women that I know (including me) who go through this trauma in our day to day lives. We would like to be in a relationship, but are insecure about how much to give and how much to ask for. Insecurity breeds doubts and eventually creates distances between relationships. Consider another scenario:

My daughter goes to stay at a hostel. I call her every morning, noon and night to check on her. Many times she doesn’t pick my call because she doesn’t have time; so I drop her a message. If she doesn’t respond to messages, I call her friend to find out if she is all right. If her friends tries to ignore me too, I catch the next flight to her college and knock at her door in the middle of night, “Why have you not answered my call? I am worried sick about you! At least you should have sent me a message… bla bla bla..”

In both scenarios the context is the same; someone I care about did not respond to my call. But the way I react to the situation is so different. When it comes to my daughter, I have no reason to be insecure. We love each other and we will continue to love each other for the next seven births as well. I don’t worry about what she will think and whether she is fed up of having a nosy mother. Whatever she might think, I have a right to know that she is fine, and I will assert my right till the end of the world.

However, when it comes to other relationships like friends, uncles, aunts, even boyfriends and husbands, our insecurities get the better of us. Unanswered phone calls start to mean something much more grim. We count the number of times I called vs they called. We track how much money we spent on their birthday gift vs. how much they spent. How many times they made us feel special vs. how many times we did the same for them.

Some days, I feel baffled about how we try to measure love in number of phone calls and materialistic gifts. When we love someone, is it because they love us too? What if they stop loving us one day, would our love end too? Do we need permission from anyone to express our love for them? I really don’t think so. The way I see it, there is only one thing in life that no one can have excess of. That one thing is love. And the best part is that love comes free and can be shared free of cost too. Then why do we keep ourselves devoid of it? Why do we ration it and give it to only those, who choose to give it back to us in some form? What can possibly go wrong if I continue to love someone, who for some reason has moved far from my life or is not in a position to express their love back for me?

To all my friends and family reading this, I sincerely hope that you get the message. If you think I am too nosy and you want me out of your life, you will have to really tell it to me on my face to get out of your life. Silence, ignored phone calls, cryptic messages, etc. will never give me the message.

For the friends, whom I don’t get around to call so often – I hope you get the message too. If I would rather choose not to be your friend, I will tell you bluntly to your face and request you to leave me alone. Silence, ignored phone calls, or cryptic messages, in no way mean that I don’t love you anymore. They just mean that I am kind of lost right now and would appreciate your support to sort out the mess. So please continue to call.

P.S. – The story about my daughter going to college is hypothetical right now. Toyna reads most of my blogs, but I will make sure she doesn’t get to read this one, right now.
Happy 10th

24th Mar 2015

Toyna will celebrate her 10th Birthday tomorrow! Like all mothers, I am feeling happy, proud and a little bit bewildered. Where did the time fly? Is it really 10 years, or am I counting it wrong??

Sigh! 10 years it is! All though, I will admit that all of them were not equally glorious. The first 5-6 years after having Toyna, I was just another super paranoid mother constantly worried about providing a perfect childhood to my daughter. I used to constantly worry about her being too weak, too dark, too serious, too naughty, too fussy, too skinny, too small,…. About her watching too much TV, reading too few books, not coloring as much as she should, not playing with friends outdoor, ….. I used to measure how much she ate and how much she slept. I used to carefully observe how she spoke, and how she dressed.

Phew! I wanted to be in control of her life to ensure that she had the perfect life! As all mothers who have been through it, I learnt the hard way that I was ruining her life in the process. I learnt it the hard way, that Toyna was an absolutely beautiful normal child, and I ought to feel extremely proud of this fact. There is nothing extraordinary about her, and that makes her completely perfect.

In the last few years, we have come across so many children in our circle of friends and family who are for some reason or another “Not Normal”. Genetic abnormalities, complications during birth, injuries during early childhood have left them significantly different from our children. Their parents work day and night on them with the hope that, one day, they will be able to lead a normal life. This is the only thing that the parents pray for and live for. They would trade their million dollar fortunes or fancy jobs or even their own health, if any one could guarantee a normal life for their children in the future.

When I see the worries cross the brow of these parents, I can’t help but count my own blessings which include two happy, healthy children. Just the fact that they are both Normal, is such a magnificent gift from God. So what if they are naughty or temperamental or not so studious; all these signs indicate that they are super normal. I would not want to trade their normalcy for any extraordinary powers of the world. For the future, I pray that God blesses them with good health and a power to remain at peace within, no matter the chaos outside. Given these two elements, I am sure they will be able to figure out the rest of elements themselves.

Wishing you a very very Happy 10th Birthday Toyna! I pray that you stay Normal always!!
Taming the Ladybird

22nd Mar 2015

Like most urban parents, we indulged Toyna, as a child, with all possible toys that our economic condition allowed. She had a walker even before she could stand and a cycle even before she could run. Over time, some toys got passed on to younger cousins and some piled up in our home. She was gifted a new Ladybird cycle by her grandmother for her 10^th birthday. With that the count of children’s cycles in our house went upto four. Toynas grandmother and I conspired to skip one stage of cycle in between and ended up buying this last stage cycle for Toyna. I know Toyna would have been comfortable with the intermediate stage but I really don’t have the space to store one additional cycle in the process.

Though we have had a cycle for Toyna since she was 2 years old, she actually learnt how to cycle independently only during her last summer break. I remember holding her cycle from behind for weeks, as she tried to balance her way on the two wheels. I taught her to sit straight, look ahead and maintain speed. She was extremely frustrated for a long time, not being able to do something which the world around her achieved so effortlessly. She fell a number of times and cried; not because she was hurt but because she was really desperate to make it work.

One day, as I left for work, Toyna sneaked out with her cycle and tried practicing it on her own. She fell, stood up, started again and rode for a while on the hot summer road. She fell again, stood up again, determined to make it work. I believe this happened a few times before I got a call from her, informing me that she had learnt how to cycle on her own. She could even take a U-turn without getting down from the cycle. Hurray!!!

One year later as she unpacked her brand new cycle, I could see her excitement turn into fear. This cycle was too big. Her feet didn’t even touch the ground. What was the use of a cycle which she couldn’t even ride!! Nonetheless, we stepped out on the roads again trying to master this new beast. I taught her how to get on top and get down.. She tried my techniques but didn’t gain too much success. She fell, scratched the cycle, her knees and elbows, but promptly got up again. She cried and wiped out her tears with the back of her arm. She was frustrated. She already knew how to cycle, then how could this cycle refuse to be tamed!?! It wasn’t fair!

After two days of fighting with the cycle, the Ladybird gave in and accepted Toyna as her mistress. Toyna had won another battle!! As she rode around on the street, I could sense the pride in her eyes. She used my technique of getting on top but developed her own technique of getting down. I couldn’t care less. As long as she was comfortable with the cycle, it didn’t matter one bit on how she did it.

At the end of the successful evening, as we pulled the cycle into the basement for parking, Toyna said, “Mama, it took me a long time to learn the first cycle, but this time I learnt it very quickly. I think each new time it becomes easier!” My heart swelled with pride. She had not only learnt how to cycle like an adult but also learnt an important lesson in life. I stopped to give her a hug and say, “The biggest lesson that I have learnt today is that no matter how bad we are at something, if we really want to make it work, we just have to keep trying and never give up!”

We parked the cycle. She left to play with friends and I started working on some extremely difficult problems I have been facing at work. I had given up on some of them, but Toyna taught me to keep trying. Wipe away your tears, forget the bruised ego, stand up and keep trying. It is bound to get easier each passing day.
Vendors are like your own Children

19th Mar 2015

Handling unprofessional vendors is very similar to handling your kids. On a typical day, this is how the conversation between me and my kids go:

Child: Mama, I want to have a Yogurt now.

Mom: No, but it is almost lunch time. How about you have it after you have finished your complete lunch nicely.

Child: Nooo! But I want it right now.

Mom: But you know the rules; we don’t eat snacks before lunch. It will spoil our appetite for lunch.

Child: Nooooooo!!!!! You never listen to me!! You don’t even love me!!!!!

Mom (hands crossed, trying to hold back the rising frustration, taking deep breaths and waiting for the outbreak to subside)

Child (after two minutes of screaming and wailing): Please Mom!

Mom: Finish your lunch quickly! I am keeping your Yogurt out on the table, just for you. See you have your favorite curry in lunch.

———————

On a typical day, this is how my conversation goes with some of my vendors:

Vendor: Please release my payment urgently. I am in need of funds.

Director, KINDUZ: I understand your situation, but you are yet to complete your deliverable. As per the agreement, we cannot release the payment till you deliver it and KINDUZ has reviewed it and signed off on it.

Vendor: Noooo you cannot do this! The agreement is not above the trust that we have with each other. I have been working with you for so long. I have supported you in good times and bad times. How can you hold my payment!!

Director, KINDUZ: I am not holding your payment. We will process it as soon as we have received the deliverable.

Vendor: Noooooooooo! You are cheating me! You promised me you will release my payments on time.

Director, KINDUZ (Exasperated, Feeling like switching off my phone, and email and ears and eyes to this world; waiting for this wave to pass by)

Vendor (after couple of irrational mails, phone calls and messages): Ok, I agree to complete my deliverable quickly. Please release my payment thereafter.

Director, KINDUZ: Absolutely! You have my word on it! As soon as we have it signed off! Look forward to the deliverable!

————————————————-

I feel blessed to have children who are assertive! Children are supposed to be like that. However, for some unknown reason, I don’t feel as blessed when working with vendors who behave like children. I don’t think vendors are supposed to be like that!

As a mom, I can still break the rules, once in a while. Take a break; skip the lunch; eat yogurt for lunch, dinner and breakfast. But I am not a Mom for my vendors. When leading an organization, I cannot break the contractual rules. I can lend money as a friend, but I cannot advance payments for deliverables that have not been delivered.

I hope they understand! It is nothing personal! It is all a part of business!!

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