Shilpa Roy Kota

Parenting Stories (and more) from the desk of an imperfect parent

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  • Teachers vs. Dogs

    Yog’s morning walk starts when we leave to drop Toyna to the school bus. Toyna’s school teachers at the stop, are very fond of Yog and love to play with him. Yog, on the other hand, has different set of preferences, which are in this order: 1. Dogs, 2. Automobiles, 3. Stones, 4. People. He, therefore, rarely obliges the teachers with any attention.

    Today, as we dropped Toyna to the stop, one of the teachers implored Yog to play with her. When Yog didn’t concede, she retorted, “There are no dogs today! Play with us, at least today!” With that she burst out laughing, but I was red in embarrassment. To consider that the teachers we hold in such high respect, were reduced to a second rank, after dogs, was too much for me. Oh God! save us from the days ahead!

  • The Code Word

    ummm, hmmmmm, mmmmm…. 
    How do I tell about something like this? Should I even be writing about it? I don’t know. 

    But since this is so important to me, I think I should go ahead and write about it. To all readers, here is my note of caution: This post may contain details considered dirty and smelly by some. 

    We started potty training Yog about 2 months back. As the term suggests, we used to take him to the bathroom and beg him to please do poo poo in the bathroom. To help him understand that this is the place where such gifts are given, we used to make sounds like mmmhhh, mhhhhh enacting the sounds that he normally makes when doing potty. For pee pee time, the sounds used were sssshhhh, ssssshhhhh.

    He would patiently wait for us to finish the sound orchestra, put on his pant back, and come onto the bed or the carpet before he would relieve himself. I was in despair. The temptation to switch back to diapers was sometimes very strong. (Here, I should give due credit to diaper manufacturers for thinking about us mothers and keeping the cost of diapers preposterously high. Whenever we are about to give up on potty training, it is this cost that forces us right back on track.)

    Two months of journey to and fro from the bathroom, constantly mopping wet floors, changing dirty sheets and clothes, and learning to live with the smell are some of the few small compromises we had to undertake. And then the day arrived when the sun rose from the west and Yog decided to help his mom.

    When I took Yog to do the bathroom today, I asked him,”Yog, pee pee time?” He immediately made the sound mmhhh. I shook my head knowing he had already done potty and couldn’t possibly do it again so soon. I said, “No Yog, pee pee. Shhhhh shhhhhh”. As always, he patiently waited to come out of the bathroom and then relieved himself on top of me.

    The next time we visited the bathroom, I repeated the same question, “Yog, pee pee?” He again said mmmmhhhh. I again shook my head, but thought what the hell, lets just play along with Yog. So I also said mhhhhhhh. He smiled and repeated mmmhhhhh. And with that he put forth all his energy and concentration and did pee pee in the bathroom. I literally couldn’t believe my eyes. How could this have happened today?! We both clapped our hands, hugged each other for a job well done.

    Thereafter, whenever we both went inside, we both would repeat mmmhhhhh, quickly get the job done and come out. I was so thrilled to have figured out the code word to make Yogs potty training a success. What if it is not the same word that the rest of the world uses. As long as it gets the job done, I am not going to complain.

    Diaper companies, watch out, you are going to lose a big time customer soon!!!!!

  • Love thy neighbor (and yourself)

    When I open my Facebook each day, I am flooded with messages which are focused on self help. Business leaders, spiritual gurus, philosophers are all constantly teaching  us to be proud of who we are, no matter how ugly, weak, powerless we might be. We are taught to love ourselves first, only then we will be able to love others.  We are reminded that we have a right to achieves our dreams and we should fight against all odds to achieve them.

    All these messages are surely helpful to boost my day. It just happened that, one day, while reading through one such message, I thought, “I just wish I received this message when I was a child. It is in those nascent years that we form the basic impressions that determine who we become, how we react to the world around us and what we do when faced with adversity.” As this thought was taking shape in my mind, I was surprised with another thought that hit me, “Oh! But when I was a child, I was taught to love thy neighbor before loving myself. I was taught to share happiness with others even if it meant being unhappy myself at times.  Giving happiness to others was the sure path to heaven and to God.”

    I believe most of my generation received the same lessons as well. Which, maybe, is the reason why we grew up focused on giving rather than focusing on our own needs. Which, maybe, is the reason why we are so insecure about ourselves, that depression and suicides are so common these days. Which, maybe, is the reason that we run to gurus, clinics and therapists who can teach us how to love ourselves.

    If you think this is sad, think about what will happen 10 years down the line. After about 10 years of these therapies, we will be at a stage where we are all self centered on our needs and love ourselves passionately, ignoring the needs of the rest of the world around us.  It is then  that we will need to start another kind of brainwashing, “Love thy neighbor before loving yourself”.

    The way I see it, this is a vicious cycle. Sooner or later, we will come back to where we started. For us humans, it is so difficult to strike a balance, without toppling the scale once in while. I wish our coming generation does not have to go through the same cycle as we have been through. I wish we are able to leave with them the principles of Balance, so that maybe they are better at achieving it than we were.

  • Happy Teachers Day

    As soon as I got home from office yesterday, Toyna ran to me, hugged me and said “Advance Happy Teachers Day!” I was surprised to hear this. Sensing my hesitancy to accept the title of a “Teacher”, she quickly exclaimed, “You taught me how to walk, how to say my first words. You still teach me how to eat food properly. ” She then paused, waiting for my reaction. I was not totally convinced, so she quickly added to her argument, “Our family is always our first school.”

    I smiled at this and my heart warmed up. I accepted the wishes with a “Thank You Toyna!!” and a big hug.

    Though I accepted the title of a teacher from Toyna, I honestly don’t consider myself a teacher for either Toyna or Yog. Maybe, my definition of a teacher is different, or maybe I don’t think I am as mature a person to handle the role of Teacher. In my heart, I so wish that she comes home one day and wishes me Happy Friendships day! I would love to be a friend that she loves spending time with, a friend whom she can confide her biggest fears with, and a friend with whom she has spent some of her most fun times.

    Coming to being a teacher, I actually think, that both of them teach me a lot more about life, than I can ever teach them. Yes, I have taught them to walk, read and eat. But on the other hand, they are the ones who have taught me to live without any fears, to laugh like no one is watching and to smile till tears line up your eyes.

    So I guess, if Toyna was kind enough to think I was her teacher, I should return the same favor to her and wish her the same.

    Dear Toyna, a very Happy Teachers Day to you! You don’t know it now, but someday, when you read this, you will realize, how much Mamma learnt from you!

  • The Foodie

    Yog loves everything that is even in the remotest ways connected to food. Most of his waking time, he spends in the kitchen sitting beside his grandmother or me, watching us cook. When we remove him from the cooking scene for fear of he getting hurt, he busies himself with the pots, pans, grinder jars, ladles, boxes, anything that makes sounds  and is associated with food.

    Our best time together, during the day, is when I sit down for my meal. Usually he has already finished his food, but his curiosity on whats on my plate, always pull him to me. I sit on the chair, and he sits on my lap, facing the dining table. He then digs into my food with his chubby hands. My lap provides the ideal height for him to reach my plate along with just the right proximity to me.

    Digging into my food provides him a beautiful sensory experience, something that we probably get only when we taste the rarest of wines. He starts with rubbing the soft rice in between his fingers to feel it. Once that sense is satisfied, he put the little morsel into his mouth for the second sensory organ to get its share. His eyes roll back a little as the rice melts in his mouth and the juice flows down his throat. This is just plain rice without any top ups but he savors it like it is best thing that he has ever tasted.

    Two or three morsels down, and his appetite is done. He then picks some more morsels and puts it into my mouth. Most of you won’t believe it, but I cross my heart and say that the morsels that Yog puts in my mouth are one of the most delicious foods that I have ever tasted. Just a few rice grains, without any top ups, served with tiny fingers, half of them dropping on the way to my mouth are much more than just food for me. As I feel his soft fingers reaching into my mouth, sometimes tears well up in my eyes.

    His hand often misses the target of my mouth, and he ends up smearing the food on my cheeks or nose. He then turns back to look up at my face and admire his art work. He grins from ear to ear upon the fact that now my face resembles his.

    Before this time, I have never been a foodie in my life. I have always viewed food as something to be consumed to keep the body running. I never knew, the simplest of food can provide so much pleasure and serve as a connection between people. I know these days will pass when Yog will outgrow my lap and give me food with his tiny fingers. But then somewhere in my heart, I look forward to the days, when I am old, lying on bed and Yog, all big and strong, comes my bed, to give me my last few morsels of food.

  • Festivity and Responsibility

    The festival season is here. Lights, sweets, and flowers usher the festive spirit in our hearts and homes. We praise God for his wisdom, strength and patience. We thank Him for his numerous blessings and add a few more things in his To Do list as we submit our wish list to him. Last but maybe the most important, we seek his forgiveness for the crimes we have done or are about to do.

    We then step outside our homes, burn half the air around us with crackers, or immerse His Holiness into the nearest polluted lake (making it even more polluted). We come back home, stuff our stomach with rich food, and our hearts with pride and sleep it off.

    I know all this sounds disgusting and most of you would close this post right now. Why would anyone want me to mess up their spirit of this season? They have their excuses of traditions, culture, “this is what children remember when they grow up”, etc. . I have even heard things like “what will happen to the cracker industry, if we stop buying and burning crackers!”. If only they knew, that half of the cracker industry flourishes on child labor, maybe that would change their mind.

    Anyhow, lets not talk about them. They would have already stopped reading this by now. But for those of you who continue to read on, I am sure somewhere you too, feel the same as I do. Somewhere you feel, it is not enough to just thank the God in words and seek his forgiveness with a bow of the head. Somewhere you know that we ought to do more.

    If we have received so much from God, maybe a nice way to thank him is to share some of his blessings with others who have been less fortunate this year. Maybe, a better way to seek his forgiveness is to plant 10 more trees this Diwali, rather than burning down the few left standing out there. Maybe, a better way to praise his strength is to recognize the fact that he can really punish us for all that we are doing to his planet.

    Festivals remind us of God and what he has given us. If we are really thankful for the same, we should enjoy His gifts responsibly. As a parent, if you saw your child misusing a gift you gave him, you are bound to stop gifting him the same things again. I am sure God also feels the same way. Respect him, respect his gifts.

    Wishing a very happy festival season to all!

     

     

     

     

  • Holding Hands

    A dark night, drizzling rain, shining lights on the road and speeding traffic were all enough to make me a little scared of crossing the road. A few hesitant steps into the traffic and a hand reached out to me from behind. As the hand tightened around mine and tugged me forward, my heart filled with warmth.

    With his hand holding mine, there is nothing that I will ever be afraid of. Maybe, this is what they call love.

  • Cross the Line

    There comes a time in life when you move on to the other side of the line. At this side of the line, you find yourself as the jury of the same contests you once worked so hard to win. You stand in applaud for others, no longer caring if anyone applauds for you. You comfortably hug a book to sleep, no longer waiting or crying for the last warm hug. You have the best of clothes, jewellery, wine that money can buy, but you forget about all of them while celebrating.

    Life surely is simple yet beautiful at this side of the line. The best part is that even after crossing this line, you know that there are many more just waiting for you to be crossed

  • Potty Training Woes

    Have you ever dressed up for going out, lined your eyes with mascara, put on your favorite perfume, double checked yourself in the mirror, only to……

    ……. become the toilet seat for the next bio break of your child. Phew! What a waste! ! This has happened to me two days in succession now. Either I should stop trying to dress up, or I should stop trying to potty train Yog n switch back to diapers. 

  • Power of Cinema

    Bollywood plays a vital role in defining the sense and sensibilities of people in India. After all, it is the biggest forms of recreation for the entertainment starving 1 billion people. The film industry, in this context, holds a lot of power in its hands. It can use this power to nuture values and ethics or spread obscenity and cultural violence. 

    Sadly, under the pretext of making money, most filmmakers choose the easier route of generating trash and feeding it to the minds of gullible, junk loving Indian audience. In many ways, our film industry is responsible for the increasing violence against women by showcasing women as sex objects having nothing more than glamour to add on screen or in real life.

    Just when you think there is no hope of any sense prevailing in this industry, you are surprised by few brilliant, exceptional movies that rock you the core and reaffirm your belief that “No!!! Bollywood can definitely be a change agent that our country needs.” Mardaani played by Rani Mukerjee falls in this category. So real, so fun, so gripping and at the same time so strong in its message. I recommend all adults to see it.

    After watching this movie, I feel so strongly that cinema can be entertaining and yet responsible. I am willing to lend Rs. 1 lakh to produce a movie that sends the right kind of message that our society needs. I am not a millionaire, and this is a very big amount for me, but I am willing to pledge this in the hope that there are more filmmakers out there who really want that change, as much as I do.