Shilpa Roy Kota

I once had a house in a small village, It had windows all around

Some opened on lake side, some on parks and tree tops

I used to sit by these windows and soak in the small miracles of life abound

Watch the sun go down or smile at the treasures the children found

As I became richer, I moved to a big house in the city 

It had many more windows, each draped in silken hue

Sunlight danced behind these and street noises remained hidden from view

I kept looking at the windows but couldnt see past the drapes new

Slowly the sounds faded, the children grew

The smiles were lost as the wrinkles brew

Slowly one day I could finally see 

I had won a lot, but lost all that had ever counted to me

The windows were still there

But there was no one by my side to really care

I read this story sometime back. Didn’t know then it could apply to me. 

If you put a frog water in hot water, it jumps out instantly as it cannot tolerate the heat. However, if you put the frog in normal water and slowly increase the temperature of water, the frog doesn’t realize the change and continues to stay in the water even when it starts boiling. It eventually dies in the water.

I realized today that most of us are like Frogs who haven’t realized that the water around is boiling and we need to jump out. Even though we are slightly uncomfortable in the environment we are, we choose to constantly adapt to it rather than question the fact that could it be different.

What made me realize this fact was a visit to the Pediatrician to discuss the vaccination schedule for the new baby on the way. I have been injected with all vaccinations myself and I have made my elder daughter go through all of them as well, ON TIME. In addition, in my large circle of friends and family, I haven’t come across anyone who hasn’t gone through them, in the way the doctor prescribed. I decided to finally question the vaccinations after one close family member had an adverse reaction to them.

When I stepped into the doctors room today, I was 100% sure he would give me reasonable explanation why children need to be vaccinated for 3 diseases right on day 1 of their birth (followed by at least 15 more shots throughout the first 10 years). All the while I was wondering that these 3 diseases must be so life threatening that if we do not get these vaccinations on day 1, our life could be in danger itself. Why else, would someone infect a just born child with the disease itself (which is what the vaccination is). And that too not 1, or 2 but 3 vaccinations together.

The doctor looked at me and smiled. He had perhaps seen hundreds on panic driven, new age mothers who don’t know anything but are trying to prove they know more than the doctor himself. Anyhow, he reassured me that the reason why 3 vaccinations are given on day 1 is not because the disease is life threatening, or the likelihood of contracting the disease in a new born is extremely high. The actual reason is that the Government believes that most parents don’t bring their child back after being discharged from the hospital and hence it mandates that most important vaccinations be given on day 1 itself. 

I looked at the doctor incredulously as if asking him “We are sitting in one of the fanciest hospitals, in one of the most advanced cities of the country. Do you think this notion of the Government would apply here as well? Do you think, I am that kind of parent, who would not bring my child back to the hospital if I was informed the need for it?” I was shaken. Given the history of side effects vaccinations are known to have, I have always believed that they are administered (at the time, and in the way they are administered) because they are absolutely necessary and not because a Government rule chooses to classify all 100% parents as uneducated and careless or without means to get their child back to the hospital. At least the doctors should talk to parents, inform them and let the parents make an informed decision. How can they just assume and decide for us, when we have a choice to possibly delay the vaccination and in return give the chance to our child to develop a stronger immunity?

Couple of hours after the meeting, I am still wondering how many important decisions like this are taken for me and family without we even being informed and consulted about it. Just because it takes more time to provide information and we as citizens don’t know what information we need to have, someone somewhere continues to take decisions on our behalf. Because we are uninformed, and because we trust our society and our Government to have our best interests in mind, we continue to accept these decisions, thereby putting ourselves and our children at risk. Like the frog in the water, we all realize it is getting uncomfortably hot, but our faith in the system, prevents us from questioning it and trying to find some difficult answers. I learnt today – Don’t assume:

·         that the water was always hot

·         that the water cannot be cooled down

·         And lastly, that we don’t have a choice to jump out of the water

P.S. I have decided to read upon all vaccinations myself and postpone as many of them till such time as they are absolutely necessary.

I come across a couple of posts everyday on different social sites glorifying women and the hard work and sacrifices they put in towards maintaining the balance in society. Reading such posts, it almost sounds like 99% of tasks in this world are done by women and men simply have nothing left to do (except earn money and lend their sperm).

I am not sure how the men out there feel about such posts but I, being a woman, strongly object. Yes! I agree that women do a fair amount of work and Yes, our To Do lists are probably longer and more multi-dimensional than our male counterparts, but can we ever fool ourselves into thinking that men do not have the same amount or perhaps more tasks to do. All the men that I know in my family and friends (even nephews included) are equally hard working, and responsible as the women I know. Am I the only women who is blessed to be amongst such company? Obviously that cannot be the case.

I am sure there are some men who are lazy, self centered and don’t contribute a dime. But then, there are many women who are also like that. That doesn’t give us the right to brand either one of them one way or the other. I sometimes think that posts glorifying women are written by women who think we are the weaker sex and need help, protection and support to stand on our feet. On top of that we are constantly exploited, deprived and do not have any rights.

I hate such depiction of my specie and wish that women could see that we are not weaker or stronger than our male counterparts. We might be very different from our companions from Mars, but if we look at the complete package of a Man vs a Woman, we have to admit we are all equal. We compliment each other in almost every way and that is what the balance of life is all about.

Just because Men are not as vocal about challenges and stress, it doesn’t mean that they have less of it. Please let us not be an additional factor adding to their stress by constantly complaining and trying to put ourselves on a pedestal. If Women deserve respect, so do Men. 

Please comment if anyone disagrees!

I have to admit I have been deeply moved by the books on Shiva Trilogy and strongly believe that Good is replaced by Evil eventually. In eradicating the Evil, the path is made for a new Good to emerge. This is the cycle of life, of nature and we as humans cannot stop it, no matter how hard we try.

The next logical question that comes to mind – Has the world today reached that state of Evil that it needs to be re-balanced? Is it time? The spate of horrifying incidents across the globe, over the last week, would leave anyone without doubt that it is indeed time. But questions like this cannot be answered in one week or even one year. 

I tried to looked at the last 150 years to find the answer. Here is what my analysis says – We invented technology to make our lives easier and bring the human race closer. It is now this technology that is creating distances in relationships and leading to diseases because of poor lifestyles. We improved farming practices to produce more. And now we all know the ill effects of commercial farming and are trying to switch to organic foods. We introduced automobiles, air conditioners and refrigerators to keep us cool. In the process, we ended up heating our entire eco-system. We introduced vaccinations and drugs to keep us healthy and now we are running around trying to find answers from the after effects of these. 

Is it time that we give up technology, health care, and other home comforts, and go back 200 years to a life which was devoid of all this? Thanks to freedom that the society offers today, it is very much possible to do it. The only questions that need to be answered – are we ready to do it? Is it time to do it now?

I know I am not ready as yet. I am one of millions out there trying to find a balance in the middle of the past and the new. It is a constant struggle to choose between options and more so explain being able to explain our choices to children, family and friends who might or might not be ready to give up an easier, faster, seemingly fun lifestyle as yet.

I only hope that mankind will find a way to re-balance the Evil without drastic measures that nature otherwise will have to  put in place on its own.

We teach all our customers to look ahead and benchmark themselves  against the best in the industry. I was in for a surprise when my 8 year old applied the same concept to plan her summer vacation. The conversation went something like this:

“I want to go to Water Park this summer. Each summer we don’t do anything exciting. This summer we have to go! All my friends abc, xyz, pqr have already gone. I am the only one who hasn’t gone.”

I am obviously not against the idea of going to a water park and the truth is that we have been to many of them over multiple summers. However, that is not what bothered me about the conversation. I know kids have this peculiar selective memory syndrome. I was somehow not comfortable applying benchmarking to personal lives because I have never liked comparing people and least of all comparing what I have vs. what they have. I am sure I could not have explained the futility of this to my daughter. My calculated response was:

“For the gifts we have received in life, let us look back and see how many out there have received none of them. There are children in the orphanage who don’t even have money to go to school, leave alone  water parks. On the other hand, for things you want to achieve in life, look ahead and see others who have achieved much more. Try and learn from them and it will help you make your dreams come true.”

This conversation taught me that it is not wrong to benchmark in personal lives. In fact, if applied right, benchmarking makes us more humble and at the same time teaches us what to do to make our dreams a reality. My only problem right now is that I am yet to find someone who I think has a better life than me! Touch Wood!! 🙂

The Good news is pretty visible now as I enter the third trimester of pregnancy. I think I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to go through this again and more so to have family and friends around me who provide so much love and care during this critical time. 

I remember the time when I was carrying my first and people on the streets, in shopping malls, elevators, on flights, would be genuinely considerate and take care lest they hurt me. Don’t get me wrong! Pregnancy is not a disability. It is in fact a privilege! But it certainly makes you more vulnerable to getting hurt. So if people around you are considerate, it makes the whole experience all the more beautiful. 

Eight years hence, I have been in for a rude shock. The minute I step outside the safe arena of my house or office, the insensitivity of people  surprises me to the core. Whether it is the traffic which will passes by dangerously close or the long queues at the airport check-in, examples of insensitivity are abound. Just the other day, three well groomed boys on a bike deliberately zoomed by dangerously close to me. At the airport, while I was waiting patiently in queue for security check, a well educated lady tried to bypass the queue to get through just before me. These are of course not the only instances and there are many more that happen each day.

I used to get frustrated earlier but over time I realize that these so called educated people are not to be blamed. They are not being insensitive knowingly. Perhaps they don’t even realize my situation because they don’t even notice the world around them. They are busy sharing messages on important social causes on Facebook or are busy tweeting their opinion on important political movements. They might even be extremely busy gathering funds for a child in Nigeria who needs organ transplant. They are all extremely educated, highly responsible and deeply sensitive people. Just that all their worries exist for the virtual world out there, which can be easily switched off whenever it becomes too depressing for them.

Times like this, I feel ashamed to be part of this generation for whom “making a difference” is all about online propaganda. I truly wish we could sometimes detach ourselves from the online world and see the LIVE world around us. There are elderly folks in the bus who need the seat much more than we do. There are pregnant women accompanied with children trying to carry groceries home for dinner. There are people with disabilities who need a little longer to cross the road. Do we ever stop to think, they might need help? Or do we consider them as burden to the world we live in, because they tend to slow us down?

It is true that our good deeds on Facebook get us national acclaim. But I hope that we don’t forget that at the end of the day, we don’t sleep with the nation. We sleep with our own conscious which is watching us even when no one else is.

There was once a good man who was passing through a jungle. On the way, he saw a lion trapped in a hunters net. Taking pity on the lion, the man decided to help it get free. As soon as the hunter approached the lion, the lion bounced on the man and scratched him deeply. The wounded man lay bleeding on the ground unable to help either the lion or himself. 

Moral of the story – Just because your intentions are right, does not automatically ensure that the other party views you like a friend. The first thought in the mind of a lion trapped in a hunters net would be that all men are bad and he needs to protect himself.

Be prepared to handle the situation before jumping into it. It was not the lions fault that the man got hurt.

If both parties do not have a common language for communication, there is no point trying to talk out the problem. Either use force to handle the situation or stay away from it.

There are many folks out there who whine about life at the drop of the smallest pin. And then, there are many other folks out there, like me, who  detest talking about pain or suffering, especially if it is our own. Does that mean, we are superhuman and never feel pain, are never hurt or are never lonely? Of course not! We are as human as anyone else – our necks pain, our knees wobble, our heart breaks and sometimes we too wish we could throw someone out the window. It is just that most people who meet us, would never know about any of this.

For us, it is extremely difficult to share the fact that we are in pain and need help. We consider asking for help as being a burden on someone and would rather die before we trouble anyone else.

In spite of such thick walls around us, we have a set of very few special characters in our lives too, who are privy to our pain, whom we talk to without any qualms whatsoever and whom we really ask for help. To all those reading this, you would know you are one of those special characters in my life, if I have ever asked you for help or shared my pain with you. Believe me, you would be one of those rare and special set of friends in my life.

If I was to turn tables around – I know there are some of you who share your deepest fears and pain with me. That tells me, I belong to that special set of friends in your life. It makes me mighty glad to deserve that honor.

I am sure everyone has their own set of friends they rely on and perhaps a different set of friends who relies on them. Trust me, it is the greatest thing in the world to have these set of people in your life. While it is good to be a part of sharing joy, it is an honor to be that special for someone that they can share their pain with you.

Last few days, I have been involved in talking to some close friends about problems they have been facing lately. I have essentially not done anything to help them but just heard them out. 

It is amazing how just hearing others talk about problems and issues, can make you learn so much more about life, people and different perspectives everyone has towards the same set of facts. I learnt that many times when we think we are in a problem, we tend to become extremely judgmental. We tend to assign blame on someone or something, so that we can rest assured that the problem did not start because of us. I find this behavior very paradoxical because –

1. If the problem is not created by us, then we have no way solving it. So essentially by blaming someone else for the problem, we are accepting that it cannot be solved by us. This attitude works well for problems like – Inflation, Wars, Global warming, etc. but not for our personal relationships, jobs, health, etc. In fact, many can argue that the first set of problems are also in our control and we should actively participate in controlling them.

2. We seem to know so much about how others can make mistakes but so less about how we ourselves make mistakes. We know exactly why someone deliberately tried to harm/hurt/deceive us but we never stop to think, why would someone want to harm us in the first place. I find it very odd to imagine that someone would dedicate their life to make someone else’s life miserable. I am sure everyone has better goals to be achieved in their own life.

I am still confused why we humans always have to judge people and classify them as good or bad, clever or foolish, beautiful or ugly, hard working or lazy and so on. After all, how much do we know about anyone to be able to judge them? Then again, what does it give us by mentally classifying anyone? If anything, we lose the opportunity to learn about them more, once we have stowed them away in a labelled shelf in the racks of our mind. 

I hope the next time we are trying to judge a person, we remind ourselves that we don’t know what we don’t know and give a little more benefit of doubt. After all isn’t everyone supposed to be innocent unless proven guilty.