Shilpa Roy Kota

Ever since I started working, I have always looked forward to the first day of every month. Quite obviously, the reason for the excitement is that we receive our salaries on this day. It used to be measly amounts initially, often handed over in cash. Over the years, the amounts grew and got  added directly to my bank balance. The excitement associated with this day, nonetheless remained pretty much the same over the years.

Now we have our own business, office and team and the first day of the month means responsibilities to ensure all payments are released on time. Honestly speaking, my salary hardly ever gets processed on the first day as there are always many more priorities to review and close on this day. However, the surprising bit is that I am much more excited about the first now than I was ever before. It gives me an immense sense of satisfaction and achievement to be able to provide for the team. As the team grows, their salaries/bonus increase, the satisfaction only increases. Of course, it is the hard work of the entire team that culminates to this day but I am sure none of them (except for the CEO) feel the same excitement as I do.

We often think that achieving money, power, status in life would make us happy. The funny reality of life is that we don’t get as much happiness by accumulating things for ourselves as we get by providing the same to others. In fact the joy of providing is no where comparable to the joy of receiving. It doesn’t pain me one bit to take a lesser salary, later in the month, because I have already achieved the satisfaction of providing for the entire team, at the start of the month. I understand now, why fathers (at least in India) feel thrilled about taking family responsibility, why CEOs of successful corporations are so humble and why shopping gives women such a high. It is all about providing for the family, the employees and the economy!  🙂

One dream at a time, one light burning deep inside

One hope that refuses to die and one shoulder to cry

These are the small things that keep me moving forward

How often do we share, our smiles or our tears

Life is so small, to live in our fears

I never asked for much, and look at what I have

Millions of moments to smile, cry and laugh with my dears

You will find your answers, maybe not now, perhaps not ever

How does it matter?

You still have your questions to tickle your mind

To make you smile, to make you cry

to live your life.

Silence so deep, it echos through my soul

Silence so dark, it blinds me more

I wish it would stop, I wish it would go

I wish to break it, but how can I so

I smile, I laugh, all seems fine

Inside I cry for no reason or ryhme

Gone are the days when the moon would smile

Now the wind is cold and the nights are blind

The past was beautiful, the future remains unknown

Yester memories keep me smiling whenever I am lone

A warm hug, a bad joke, a stupid advice

How they all changed my life!

So much to remember, so much to try

Then why do I still feel like cry

I am blessed to have, if nothing else,

the memories of the past to help me smile.

When you are trying to improve your public speaking skills, you are often taught to stand in front of the mirror and talk to yourself. Some trainers even go to the extent of recording your presentation and replaying it back to you so you can see where you need to improve. Obviously, when you know you are being recorded, you try to look perfect, act perfect and talk perfect. Does such recording really help? All it can tell you is, how good you are at imitating perfection. But it can never tell how good you really are.

I experienced something similar recently, that helped me discover a little more about myself. We were out for a long drive, my husband and I deep in conversation and our daughter playing with my smart phone in the back seat. The conversations drifted to life, love and everything else in between.  Oblivious to all the conversations, my daughter started video recording the road outside and in the process ended up recording our conversation. And oblivious to the fact that we were being recorded, we continued our conversations. 

I chanced upon the recording in my phone, and was curious to see the road from the eyes of my camera. While I saw the road, I heard the conversations in the background. Hearing the conversations retrospectively, I got a much deeper glimpse of myself. Honestly, I wasn’t really happy, at what I heard. I heard my own thought process, expression, attitude, approach on life in a short span of 10 minutes. For a minute, I thought “Wow, is this how I really talk??”. It was like being suddenly forced to look into a mirror and see yourself naked without any clothes to cover the bulges or any lights/shadows to hide the ugly spots. 

Yes, I discovered what I needed to improve. But more importantly,  I developed an immense sense of appreciation for people around me, who have patiently heard me blaberring for eternity. I am amazed at how you could have endured this eternity with me. My heart goes out to all of you and of course my dear husband, who has been there all along seeing me as I saw myself today and still telling me how beautiful I am. Love you!

It just seems like yesterday, when I used to reach out to hold my daughters hand the minute we stepped on the road, in a busy shop or just out for a walk. My motherly instincts guided me to keep her safe, always at an arms distance from me.

As she and I both grew older, the need to hold her hand slowly became less. The minute we would step out of the car, she would bound off, free from the confines of the car, ready to explore the world around her. The air tangling her curls even more, she would run on roads, play with dogs and pluck flowers from who-so-evers garden was unlucky to be in her path.

Then a day came, when I exhausted from a long journey, my back aching, my knees shaky, stepped out of the car. As I closed the door behind me, I took a moment to steady myself resting on the door just a little longer. Of course, my daughter was already 50 meters out on the road before I had even got one foot out of the car. I smiled as I heard her chatter, trying to make out what new stories she had come up with. 

Suddenly she stopped, mid-sentence, as if realizing something was missing. She rushed back to me, held out her hand and said “Mama hold my hand”. She gripped my hand in hers – strong, purposeful, as if to support me. The world stopped, my heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes. How could she, barely seven years old, lost in her own fairy land, sense my pain, when I hadn’t even said anything? 

Looking back, I wonder, she would never have been able to catch me if I fell.  But then her gesture and her hand under mine, was so reassuring that it gave me the strength and the confidence to walk the distance. The moment etched in my heart, I feel blessed to be her mother. I can’t say that she will be there to hold my hand throughout my life, but I am sure, that I will remember this moment and the fact that she came back for me, throughout my life. 

When sentiments run high and misunderstanding abound

When anger seeps in and frustrations pull me down

When love seems lost and there is no answer to be found

I wish we could talk

When you don’t seem to understand and niether do I

When expectations in the air make it difficult to breathe

When the easiest way out is to leave

I wish we could talk

When egos clash and the past blinds

When small remarks hurt like pine 

When we both want to stop, but keep going on

I wish we could talk

I walk alone, wishing you were there

I move on, step by step, don’t know where

I chose to be silent 

When all I ever wanted to do is talk.

While the world is trying hard to overcome the shock from the death of innocent kindergarten kids last week, there are many who are proposing answers, solutions to what could have stopped this. Most people feel that it is high time gun control laws are put in place in America. 

Guns are just the tools used to execute the crime. Everyone who has a gun does not want to shoot down innocent lives. Most people want to own a gun because they are scared and want to protect themselves. Yes, having a gun, makes it easier to execute a crime, but the intent to commit the crime has to be there in the first place. The deeper, bigger, scarier problem, therefore, is the existence of the intent to execute such crimes. 

Incidents like this happen, not because, someone owned a gun, but because he/she was so confused, so angry and so alone. They also happen because we as a society, are so busy in our self fulfilling lives that we fail to see the signs, fail to put the controls, and fail to create the right value systems for our children. 

The sad fact also is that most of these crimes are happening in the country which has been the role model for the rest of the nations for human rights, freedom, opportunity and governance. Most of you will admit, that our generation, while in our adolescence, dreamt of stepping foot in this land. We imitated their culture in every way we possibly could. Many of us still fight over meager resources to study and save to go study and work in this country.

What happened to turn the land of dreams into the land of crime? I hope we the educated, aware, connected generation is sensitive to the fact that this can happen in any country, any neighborhood – guns or without guns. This is not a problem of one nation anymore, but a problem for mankind, because we copied that one nation in everything that we did. Let us not solve the problem by just taking away the tool, but by understanding the darker shades of our societies culture and values or rather the lack of them.

I had the misfortune of watching one of the latest Bollywood flicks sometime back and since then this question has been on my mind – Would God barter? Those who have watched the movie, will understand which one I am referring to, and those who haven’t, you are blessed. Please don’t ever go to watch it. 

When we ask God to give us something, do we honestly think that God needs something in return from us? There are couple of assumptions we make, if we believe this to be true –

1. First, that there is a God who is powerful enough to grant any wish.

2. Yet, this God needs us to give up something very close to us in order to  grant our wish.

3. Lastly, we as humans are weak and incapable of getting what we want, on our own.

To me, none of the above seem logical to be true. Before you think that I am an atheist and don’t believe in God, let me clarify that I do, deeply believe in God. But my God, will never pain me to test me. My God, will never take something from me before he provides for me. My God believes in me, like I believe in myself. My God, has abundance of everything and he showers all that upon me. All I need to do is believe He exists not in places which are difficult to reach, but within me, around me – in the smallest grains and the largest mountains. My God doesn’t give me what I want, He shows me the way, provided I am willing to talk to Him with an open mind and heart. 

Yet, I understand the sentiments of those who believe God needs favors from us. I was too, not so long ago, trying to please God through gifts, sweets, money and things I loved the most. I think, I was fortunate enough to realize God wouldn’t be God if He needed us to sustain Himself. Why try and barter with God – when everything is made up of Him, comes from Him and goes back to Him as it is.