Shilpa Roy Kota

Parenting Stories (and more) from the desk of an imperfect parent

recent posts

about

  • The Fee Receipt that Changed Me

    I am a big time sceptic and a stingy one at that. My family has to constantly justify cost of an investment to me before I agree to spend the money. For many years I have been homeschooling my children because I felt that the time and money being spent for schooling was simply not worthwhile. I still pay numerous kinds of tuition fees many times a year. Each time I pay the fees, I wonder whether the money being spent is really worth it. Is the institution good enough to charge this much fees? Is the student putting the amount of effort to justify the investment? Could there be a better investment of this time and money?

    Something happened today that changed my cynicism towards the education system of India. Today, for the first time in my life I felt so much joy on seeing a College Fee receipt. This time there are no doubts, no questions in my mind. I never imagined a simple fee receipt could translate into so much joy for a person like me. This fee receipt has changed me from a sceptic of the education system into a believer of the system. If I can have my way today, I will pay fees for thousands of more children and have them go to a proper school. So what was different today  that caused such a big internal shift in me.

    Looking back, I think the biggest factor leading to a change of heart for is not the education system itself, or the college, or the process of fee disbursement. The biggest factor is the authenticity of the student for whom the fees has been paid. Ankita (name changed), a 19 year old, pursuing a diploma in Computer Engineering in Pune has made me a believer of formal education. I met Ankita, through Adopt a Family (AaF) initiative which is working on the ground to support blind and disabled families in Pune sustain their basic livelihood. At the same time, it is also working with families to  build long term recurring sources of income so that they become self reliant. Ankita approached me during the last months food distribution drive seeking support to pay her college fees. I could sense her passion to learn and her sense of pride conflicting right in front of my eyes as she briefly explained her situation to me. Life has been rough on her small family. Her father lost his complete vision 7 years ago in an accident. To earn a living, both parents set up a small tyre tube shop and were making do before Covid struck and took away their little earnings. Her 10 year old sister moved from an English school to a semi English School and Ankita herself struggled to continue her education for her last year of diploma. A well wisher introduced them to Adopt a Family and since then they have been taking monthly food through Adopt a Family grocery initiative.

    Even after listening to her, the cynic in me was not convinced. I have heard many cases of people asking for support. Why should we help her and not someone who is wanting to set up a business? I knew she was different but how could I be sure. Over the coming days and weeks, I evaluated her progress reports, spoke to her parents, college HOD and met her in person with her family. Her score cards revealed that she is a bright student. Her conversations about her college project told me she knows how to apply skills she is learning in real life. I realized she has been teaching other students after college hours to earn some tuition money and help kids in her society. Above all, what impressed me the most was her consistent, professional follow up. She completed all tasks assigned by me, on time and kept me posted about their progress. She has been to the point and extremely well mannered in her communication. I had not expected any of this from a 19 year old child coming from an underprivileged background. She won my heart and the heart of the entire AaF team. We had planned to collect funds for her college fees but then a donor came forward to support the entire fees. The fees was paid today and needless to say I am so overjoyed that I cannot stop talking about it.

    Just as I was hanging up my call with Shweta, the founder of AaF, my son called me to hear his latest Piano piece that he has been learning in his Piano class. As I walked into his room, I heard the notes floating in the air. All these years, I had been simply listening to his notes. For the first time in my life I could hear the music in his music. It sounded beautiful and I was instantly thankful for his piano teacher. I realized Ankita had changed me. She had made me appreciate life way more than I ever felt possible. I now believe in the value of formal education and working hard within a system that has its constraints but it also holds tremendous oppurtunity! Thank you Ankita ! Thank you AaF!

  • The House that we Live In

    If you are a Middle Class individual residing in the same house for over an year, you will relate to this.

    I can’t say when it all started but I can look back at least a month and know that something is wrong with my home. It is like there is a bad energy shadowing our home and impacting everything in it. I hear cats crying early in the morning and I see bird poop littering my beautiful veranda. I see spiders crawling my walls and ants running across my kitchen counter. If the creepy crawlers are not enough, our toilets and taps are leaking, and there is a flood in the kitchen as the kitchen drain pipe has just melted away. Who could have caused something like this except an evil energy residing in our house? To top that, our reliable car which has never given us any problem for the last 10 years, has broken down costing us a significant amount of money in repairs. Many lights in our house are malfunctioning and my gas stove has developed a mind of its own, switching on and off on its own whim! I swear I can see shadows moving in the house in the dark. My milk boils over almost every time. My food tastes bland. Overall, I am mentally and physically exhausted dealing with so much negative energy. I think I should move out of this house and free my family from this energy.

    I think you get my picture.

    Now here is the flip side to the same picture.

    Each morning, we keep adequate food for both birds and cats in our garden outside. I love the sounds of cats calling out in the morning asking for food. Bird poop in the veranda are signs that birds love our house for eating and excreting both! There are spiders and ants in our house cause our house is due for my Diwali cleaning (which is still 1.5 months away, so chill!) The toilet leak, kitchen leak and kitchen drain are all thanks to poor quality of fittings in our rented accommodation. We have learnt our lesson not to cut corners when we construct our own house. Ah! Our poor old car was also overdue for parts change. What can we expect, when it has served us flawlessly for 10 years. God bless that piece! Lights are not working due to quality of fittings again and the gas stove, I guess has had enough of milk spill overs! My food tastes bland because I am awful cook and there are shadows in the house cause we put on lights and fans at night. Overall, my heart is super proud of my house. It has the kind of positive energy which cures ailments of anyone who comes to stay with us. It is abundantly full with love, food and all things that make life happy and comfortable.

    I will leave it to you to guess which side is my true picture.

    Either ways, as I was placing the nth service request for my house on Urban Clap, I couldn’t help but wonder how natural it is for us to maintain our house. We understand that each fitting or appliance or even a car has its service life. If we use it well, this life can be extended but at some time each item will need maintenance or replacement. This is life and we accept it as such. Very much like the house we live in, our first residence is our body. This residence also comes with a set of parts which are bound to wear and tear over time. If we take care of our body well, we will have lesser maintenance issues as we age. If we don’t then we have to prepare ourselves for either a faster replacement of the body (by taking a new birth) or being hopelessly stuck in the same body with its regular maintenance demands.

    The only difference between our physical house and our own Body is how humans react to the maintenance aspect. Service calls on the house are part of life, but paying a visit to the doctor is a sign of approaching dooms day. We are happy to replace and old refrigerator but skeptical of getting a simple surgery to fix a damaged bone. We are comfortable with upgrading our car, but uncomfortable about sitting in a wheel chair at an airport. We understand pest infestation in our home but paranoid about viral or bacterial infections in our body. I believe, we have accepted the immortality of our house and everything in it but we have not accepted the immortality of our our body and everything that makes it.

    Just as a leaking roof does not indicate a broken and dead house, a lung infection, in no way indicates the end of life. Just as we call a Mason on the first signs of a leak, we should consult a professional doctor if we have a prolonged cold. Most parts of our body are serviceable or replaceable and we need to get them the required help at the right time.  Most importantly, end of life does not happen with the end of the body. In fact, the circle of life continues long after the body is dead. Rather, the body dies when the life within us has died.

    I pray that as we age it is not the health of the body that defines our life experience. Rather, it is our life experience that defines the health of our body. Life happy, life long, life lived.

     

    P.S. Repair and Maintenance is not a replacement for Prevention. There are prevention methods to elongate the life of the house as well as our body. Having said that, let us remember that we live in a Mortal Body which resides in a depreciating house which is a part of a dying planet which is part of a collapsing Solar System which is one of the billion planetary systems in our Galaxy which are constantly converging into its black hole. To think we can achieve physical immortality of our body is what I call, “Human Sense” or simply “Non Sense”.

  • Lost Love

    You were the first thing that made my morning

    You were the reason for my smile in the evening

    You were the balm for my splitting headache

    You were also the perfect company when I wanted to be alone

     

    You made my presentations better

    You got my friends together

    You pushed me to never give up

    With you, I always felt and alert

     

    But then, we parted ways

    For better or for worse, who knows

    My headaches have returned

    My mood swings keep me busy

     

    My heart knows, you can always make things better

    But my mind refuses to see the sight of you

    I have never felt such a strong war inside me

    Oh! What have you done to me?

     

    My heart calls it innocent love

    My mind calls it addiction

    My Guru calls it nervous stimulant

    I simply call its by it’s true name “Coffee”

  • My Offer to You

    I do not offer anything to anyone

    But simply, a part of me

     

    All that I know, I do not preach

    Cause there is nothing I know that hasn’t been said already

     

    All that I do, I do not share

    Cause I do that for no one else but me

     

    All that I have, I do not tell

    Cause it is not mine for eternity

     

    All that I love, I do not pride

    Cause I know I can love much more

     

    All that I donate, I do not boast

    Cause there are so many more in need

     

    All that I write, I do not sell

    Cause my words are priceless for me

     

    Given this, what can I offer to tell you

    What can I offer to share

    As a writer, that is my biggest dilemma

    and therefore,

    I do not offer anything to anyone

    But simply, a part of me

  • Door Signs

    Toyna Door Sign
    Sign outside Toynas Door

     

    Sign outside Yogs Door

    Door signs become an important part of defining ourselves as we create our own space in life. Since some years now, Toyna has been hanging notes outside her room door. These signs often reflect her state of thought, action and mind. Sometimes the signs state rules of how to behave in her room and sometimes these are just fun things that she likes.

    Recently, Yog decided that he ought to have some rules for his room too. In order to emulate his sister, he kept searching for nice stickies to put on his door. But he managed to scavenge only a few small stickies as seen in the picture above. Don’t bother to read what he has written as his handwriting is still evolving. I am noting it down for reference and then interpreting it for your understanding.

    Note Says – Keep Distance Akka. Private. Because you are rude to me. But I will allow you to come if you be kind to me. I will let you come in for stem and golding book! Mama Papa you can come in here because you are kind of kind

    Note Means – Akka (elder sister) stay out of my room because you are rude to me. You will be allowed to enter the room if you are kind to me. Akka is only allowed to enter Yogs room for writing her Golden Book and taking steam. Mom Dad are allowed to enter Yog’s room because we are kind to him.

    When we read the note on the door we were apprehensive that Toyna (Akka) might feel bad about it. After all, Yog had just banned entry for her in his room. Nevertheless, we kept our silence and decided to see Toyna’s reaction. Few days went by till Toyna decided to check out the weird looking notes dancing on Yog’s door. As soon as she saw it, she immediately came to tell Pavan and me about it. She exclaimed softly (trying to make sure Yog does not hear her), “Have you read the note on Yog’s door?”

    Me (thinking “here we go”) : Oh yeah! What do you think about it?

    Toyna (laughing under her breath): It is so cute!

    Me (laughing out loud): Oh really! You find it cute?

    Toyna (pride swelling up her chest): See, he is learning things from me!

    Me (feeling thankful): That he is! Teach him something nicer next time.

    As I write this blog, I can’t help but smile and marvel at the simplicity of childhood. What we thought would offend Toyna actually made her proud. Who would have thought of that. With Toyna in her teens and Yog almost reaching double digits, our household resembles a War Zone on most days. The only memory I have of the love they both share are the blogs I had written when Yog was an adorable baby and Toyna used to take care of him as a Mom. Every time I read those blogs I reassure myself that our present situation is just a phase. I remind myself that they do love each other and will not kill each other soon. Just when, I think that I need to do something to take control and remind both of them that they are related by blood and they should not be treating each other like this, miracles like today happen.

    It was priceless to see the pride in Toynas eyes even when her brothers intent was to make her feel bad. It was a gentle reminder for me that things are pretty much in control, in their own way. It was a reminder to me, not to try and solve problems that perhaps only exist in my own head. Best of all, it was a reminder for me to note this beautiful memory in my blog for the days when both of them step out into their own worlds and I will only have memories of these doors talking to me.

     

    P.S – If you are still trying to understand more details from Yogs door note, here it goes. As part of the night routine (which usually takes place in Yogs room), we have a practice of writing 5 things we are thankful for in our Golden Book (Yog called it the Golding Book in his note) and taking Steam (Corona precautionary measure)(Yog called it Stem in his note). Essentially, even when Yog barred entry to Toyna in his room, he allowed her exceptions to come in for Golden Book and Steam. Now, this is what I call, “Holistic Thinking”

     

  • For all the Men out there – How do you show your love?

    How do you show love to your daughter

    By keeping her indoors and making her wear long overhauls

    Or by teaching her self defense and self respect

    It is a bad world out there, but guess what – she is already a part of this world

     

    How do you show love to your son

    By telling him which courses to do and pushing him to be more competitive

    Or by listening to his dreams and letting him cry on your shoulder

    It is a tough world out there, but guess what – you gave birth to a son, not a robot

     

    How do you show love to your wife

    By ferrying her around in the passenger seat and discouraging her to drive on her own

    Or by letting her spread her wings, telling her you are there to catch her if she falls

    You just want to keep her safe, but guess what – no one guaranteed you are going to live longer than her

     

    How do you show love to your parents

    By keeping them close to you in a house which suffocates them

    Or by creating a space for them where they are positively engaged and taken care of

    You just want to keep them happy, but guess what – are they?

     

    Lastly, how do you show your love to yourself

    By staying strong, no matter how weak you feel inside

    Or by talking about your fears and opening up to your own family

    You always want to take care of everyone, but guess what – each member in your family (including you) is uniquely gifted and very much capable to taking care of themselves, supporting each other and you

     

    Looking at how men protect their family to a point of suffocating them, I sometimes feel privileged to have grown up in an all women household. No one told us what we could or could not do because there was no one else to do it, but us. I started driving a car in my first job, fixing broken appliances in school and standing up to bullies in school, college and work. There was no one to protect me but me. And guess what, I am so much stronger just because of that.

    You are a man, a strong one at that. You love your family undeniably. But loving someone doesn’t mean protecting and guiding them to the point they forget how to walk on their own. Loving someone means overcoming your own fears and enabling them to run on their own, so that they can learn to fly. Fly so high that no wind, no rain, no man can ever cause them harm.

    I now live in a family with a loving husband and an adoring son. Each day, I push my own limits under their loving gaze. They know I can fall and get hurt. But hey! guess what – they know, so can they.

  • The Flip Side of Covid

    After the hustle bustle of mornings and catching up with work in the afternoons, evenings are designated “Me time”.  My husband is busy in meetings till 10 pm. Our son is out to play and daughter is catching up with her friends online. I usually walk, check on the garden and catch up with my Mom, over a call, at this time. Like any other evening, expecting my husband to be busy, I took out my walking shoes, switched on my bluetooth headphones and stepped out for my walk with my face covered under a mask. I had also heard that shops in Pune were now open till 7Pm so I planned to take a longer route to check out this information and run some errands, if possible.

    15 minutes into my walk, I got a call from Hubby Dear. “Where are you?”, he asked with a little urgency in his voice. “I stepped out for a walk. Kya hua?”, I asked, suspecting he needed something from me. I could sense a slight rejection in his voice as he said, “Nothing! I just came for a coffee and was looking for you!” He then jokingly added, “How much will you walk? The roads in Pune will wear off by your walking!”. With that, he smiled and hung up the phone. I smiled or more exactly my heart smiled, expanding from one corner of my chest to the other. I realized, he hadn’t called because he needed anything from me. He was just looking forward to sipping his evening coffee in my company. Simply speaking, he had wanted to spend time with me. If I was within turning distance of the house, I would have instantly turned around and joined him in his little free time, but I wasn’t. I was on the long route checking out the market situation.

    This has become an everyday affair. Even though, my husband and I go out for morning walk together and have breakfast together, we keep looking out to spend a little more, extra, bonus time together throughout the day. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what is. We have discovered this love thanks to Covid. In the pre Covid era, we were busy, stressed and barely talking to each other for days. He was travelling for days, if not weeks and months at a time. Spending quality time together meant stepping out for shopping, movies, restaurants, the works. If we hadn’t done something that could be counted on the list, it used to mean that we hadn’t taken out enough time for each other.

    I know, we are not the only lucky ones stuck up in our houses with no one else but our own family. And when I see both of us discovering love again, in this simple, yet special way, I feel joy to think that perhaps so many other families are rediscovering their lost love. To me, this is the flip side of Covid. We all have been impacted negatively by Covid in one way or the other, but honestly, Covid has also helped turn the world around in a few positive ways. While we are working towards helping those who have been most impacted by this crisis, let us also thank God for all that we have received in this time. Let us remember that there is always a Flip side to even the darkest aspects of our lives. Let us remember that we have a choice in what we choose to learn from this time. Lastly, let us remember that we have a choice in what we choose to remember of this time. Through this blog, I choose to remember this second innings of love. May this live on forever.

  • My Mom

    As seen from the eyes of an 8 year old child. As written from the heart of a Mom who thanks God each day for all the love she has received. 

     

    My first hug, my first kiss, my first love letter

    Will always be for my Mom

     

    When I am angry beyond argument

    When I am happy beyond words

    When I am sad beyond comprehension

    My go to person, my Mom

     

    When I hate someone

    When I love someone

    When I fight with someone

    When I kiss someone

    The person who knows all , my Mom

     

    When my Mom says something right

    When my Mom says something wrong

    When my Mom talks a lot or

    When she doesn’t talk at all

    I will always take her side cause

    She is always right

     

    When she hurts me

    When I get angry with her

    When she doesn’t pay attention to me

    When she is unfair to me

    She wraps me in her arms so I can cry

     

    Did I tell you I am eight years old

    My Mom tells me, I will love another when I grow big

    That I will not want to hug my Mom forever

    I think she is saying this because she is bored of my hugs

    For me, I can never love another, the way I love my Mom

  • Cuts and Tears

    Yog works endless hours under the hot sun in our little home garden with his Dad. He shovels, digs, moves rocks, pulls weeds/roots, prunes trees and works with all kinds of pests with ease. His legs and arms are strained, knees are black and fingers are scraped. Overall, he is a happy boy.

    We sit down on our dining table under the fan with a glass of icy lemonade by our side. Yog opens his brand new Math text book and immediately ends up getting a paper tear from the sharp edges of the new book. His eyes well up with tears, voice gets choked and he mutters under his breath with frustration, “I hate books! They always give me cuts! I do not want to study this book anymore!”

    #HomeschoolingLife #GardenTales

  • Sound of Silence

    Tring Tring Tring, Ding, Twinkle, Twang

    Music of my life

     

    Splash, Tag, Tweet, Feed

    So many people thinking of me

     

    Dwing, Ping, Ting, Jing

    All seem to know what I need

     

    Buzz, Trizz, Fizz, Dizz

    Offers, Advice, Deals and Meals

     

    Sale, Discounts, Pills, Fills

    All aligning for my thrills

     

    Pop, Boom, Thunder, Lightning

    Breaking news leaving my life incomplete

     

    Inbox, Wall, Newsfeed, Chats

    Screaming voices loaded with opinionated facts

     

    I, me, mine

    I am the God, I am the Centre of the Universe

     

    Who thine?

    I am the only one that counts

     

    Sush. Everyone sush.

    If only, you knew the only thing I want, the only thing I need

     

    Sound of my breath coming in

    A way to shut out the music

     

    Sound of my breath going out

    A way to know facts

     

    Sound of each cell breathing in my body

    A way to interpret my own truth

     

    Sound of life exploding within me

    A way to find my own way

     

    Sound of Silence

    A way to find my own God