Parenting Stories (and more) from the desk of an imperfect parent
My Thoughts: While I was driving back…..
Hats off to all mothers of today! and Double Hats off to our mothers who managed much more than we will ever be able to!!
I was driving back today from Sia’s Daycare and I was feeling very hollow. It was the time when I used to be busy with my office calls a year and half ago. I quit my job due to unavoidable reasons and off course also to take care of my daughter. I do take pride in my decision to quit my job to…
Sometimes we know exactly where we are headed, what we need to do and precisely why something is the way it is. This is when we are suffering from a syndrome, I call – Blinded by a Perfect Vision. We think we know everything, and in the process end up ignoring minor yet important details. The confidence that we are right, stops us from seeking suggestions and responding positively to feedback. It is like carrying a glass which is already full, hence there is no space to receive more.
I once had a manager who thought he had all the answers. Initially I was impressed, more like awed by his confidence. I wished someday I was like him, so confident and sure about myself. Over time I realized, his confidence lead him to ignore sensitive areas on projects. He was so sure, things will work the way he had planned, that he never considered to plan for the situation where they wouldn’t. In Management terms this is called Failure Mode Effect Analysis (FMEA). In my terms I just call it ‘Blindness’.
It is good to be confident, but it is better to be confident and open to suggestions and reasoning. Perhaps, if we find a bigger glass which has a little space for doubts, questions and feedback, we will be much better prepared and a lot less blind.
We all come across moments in life which are so innocent, beautiful and extraordinarily simple. These are moments when the constant rush of life seems to just halt, when there are no regrets about the past and no worries about the future. All that matters is that moment and we wish that moment would last forever.
Some amazing facts about such moments –
You have to completely be at ease with yourself and with your environment to be able to find these moments and enjoy them. When you are not searching for them, they will find you and they will be etched in your mind forever.
There are a lot of moments in life, when we are at a loss of what to do next. When all roads seem right and all roads seems wrong; when everyone is right from their own perspective, but still the perspectives dont match.
Some of us, like me, are control freaks. We like everything as per our way, under our control. Imagine then, our desperation when we don’t know which way to go; which road to take. Opinions, facts, knowledge, expectations all rise around us like a tornado simply out of control. The harder we try to find the answer, the larger the tornado becomes, as if deriving energy from our very own source of confusion. At such times, our vision is blocked, our temper is high and our desperation to find an answer unbearable.
Over time, I have realized that I force myself to take a lot of decisions when I am in the midst of this tornado. I hope that once I know the way, the storm will pass. Making the decision, does definitely stop the tornado, but does it land me on the right path, I think not.
A good friend taught me a new way of handling the storm. I learnt that it is not important to do something when you are in the middle of the storm. The storm doesn’t like resistance. The harder you try to stop the storm, the larger it will rise around you. The easiest way is to let it pass around you.
Just find a strong foothold somewhere and let it blow all around you. Eventually it will pass and the dust will settle. And when it does, you will see all the roads ahead in clear light. Pick the one which leads you to your goals. Keep following it till you meet the next tornado on the way.
As we live through each day, we save memories in our mind; Memories of good times and bad times, perceptions about people, mistakes we made, and joy we shared. There are many more kinds of memories that keep getting added to our mind each day. As we grow old, these memories slowly transition into heavy trunk loads of baggage that tend to keep holding us back whenever we want to move forward. Whenever we see our old neighbor on the street, we are reminded of how snobbish he is, so we never talk to him. We don’t like to take vacations as we cannot adjust to the newness of a place, the food and the people. We try to relive moments from our past, and we fail to even notice the present.
New technologies and new cultures have added so many avenues to learn, explore and enjoy. While the past was amazing, the present is not too bad either, and the future is up to us to make it.
I feel I am blessed to be part of a family which is continuously open to learning from the present and adapt to it. My mother struggles with her laptop each day, but has never given up learning from it. She started trying out different cuisines, at an age where most parents would not like to eat out. My Father-in-law is thrilled to have his new iPad, and did his first ever Skype Video call to me. He is figuring out why so many people are using Facebook.
These are the role models that I would like to remember as I grow old. They remind me that ‘Learning’ doesn’t come with an expiry age. If we just remember to fondly keep our past in the past tense, there are millions of opportunities to enjoy life in the present.
When we wake up each morning, what is the first thought that comes to mind? Do we spread our wings and say “Mmmmm, Wow, another day!!” or do we push ourselves out of bed and think “Oh! Yet another day”.
What determines how we wake up each morning? Is it based on how well we slept in the night? Is it based on how was the day yesterday, and the day before that? Some might say that each morning is based on the culmination of not one or two days worth of past life but an aggregate of our life so far. How we have lived it and what we have achieved thus far.
I believe quite the opposite. I believe every morning is a fresh start, an opportunity to do something new on a completely clean slate. Yesterday is gone and the morning today does not owe anything to it, to keep it alive. Whether yesterday was a success or a failure, it does not matter to today. And similarly, what happens today, will not matter to tomorrow. So what do we have to lose, if we try something new today and we fail. Tomorrow there will be another chance to try it all over again.
I know, a lot of people will think, this is not possible. We cannot run away from the mistakes of our past. Some mistakes are big enough to haunt us for months, years, perhaps even a lifetime. My answer to them is – You are right, we cannot run away from our mistakes of the past! However, we do have a choice whether to let these mistakes haunt us and feel sorry for ourselves, or whether to look at them as an opportunity to learn something new, try something new again and perhaps fail or even succeed in a new way. Someone who has not made any mistakes, has not learnt anything worth remembering.
My thought for the day-
Good Morning! Live your day today, make as many mistakes in your way
Learn from each one of them, and remember them for tomorrow when you are at helm again!
One hot summer night, as I was rolling around in bed, waiting for the electricity to come back, I could hear the wind outside my window. Sometimes in between, it would even enter the room through the open windows, ruffle the curtains, touch upon my feet and retreat. The small touch left me wanting for more of it, inside the hot, suffocating room. I was tired and irritated after a long day and just wanted a little more breeze so I could get some sleep.
As I was wishing for more, I started thinking about how the wind had entered my room in the first place? I live in a slightly older suburb of a bustling city in India. The houses in this part of the city are back to back; one wall higher than the other; one window opening into another wall. The wind would have had to take so many twists and turns to have even made it to my window. And it would have been so strong, so determined to reach me and be able to touch my feet. Even though every wall of every house would have slowed it down, it didn’t give up till it found me. I took a deep breath and wished I was like the wind – strong, determined, and refreshing. As soon as this thought came to my mind, another came in almost at the same time. A thought that made me sit up and smile.
I realized I had someone in my life who was just like the wind, and coincidentally, or probably by design, named after the wind too – Pavan, my husband. Those who have known my husband will agree with me 200%. He is like a breath of fresh air, full of energy, optimism and a never give up attitude. He is known to find his way through the toughest of situations and reach his goal no matter how many walls stand in between.
On his birthday, this blog goes for him!! Keep flying and reaching your goals! We love you more than words can tell.
You are the wind beneath all our wings!
I learnt this yesterday from my 7 year old daughter. My other blog yesterday will explain more. As adults, we feel that we need to have answers to everything. If we don’t have an answer, we are not intelligent enough. More so, we believe that every answer that we have found, is right; because it has been proven over centuries and hence has to be right.
As kids, we were asked this question so many times – “What do you want to become when you grow big?”. I, in my innocence and under the burden to provide an answer, and of course not knowing how impossible it was, wanted to become “A Father”. Hilarious as it may sound, it reflects on the innocence and beauty within each child. As children we are free with our thoughts. We know no boundaries. We think everything is possible. We just need to dream to make it happen.
My daughter is one notch smarter than me. She doesn’t get bogged down by the expectation that society needs an answer. She is happy sticking to the question -“What should I become when I grow big?” At first I used to laugh at her and think, she will not achieve anything in life. Over time, I realized she is still thinking about the same question and has not found an answer yet. And that amazed me! Rather than thinking that she is dumb not to even know the answer to this question, I am so proud that she is thinking about it and asking the same question again and again till she finds the right answer.
It is sometimes not enough, just to find an answer. It is very important to find the right answer. And of course, the first step towards it is to – Ask the question. Once you have an answer, don’t hesitate to question the answer as well! And don’t feel bad if you have many unanswered questions. It just means you are still searching for the right answer.
Toyna (7 years): Mama, it is so difficult to decide what do I become when I grow big.
Mama: Why?
Toyna: Because there are so many things I can become.
Mama (thinking): I am so proud, she is asking this question, rather than just jumping on the most glamorous band wagon.
Mama: You don’t need to decide what you want to become. You try and find what you enjoy doing most and just practice it more and more.
We often ask this question about things around us. Is this apple good enough to eat? Is this project good enough to take? Is this post good enough to read? Not only about things, we also ask this question about ourselves. Am I a good enough wife, lover, mother, sister, daughter, employee, manager, cook, listener, speaker, thinker, doer, …
The list of good enough questions is endless.
Do we ever get answers to these? Is there ever one answer? How do we measure goodness and how do we determine what is good enough. Do we determine good enough from a point of view of ourselves or from a point of view of someone who is important to us – manager, spouse, customer, children, friends, society?
Like it or not, majority of us look for acceptance of ourselves outside of us. We are constantly seeking for signs, assurances and re-assurances that we are good enough to be who we are supposed to be! If you think about it, it actually means that we let others determine who we are and who we should be, what we should be like, what our behaviors and responses should be like. We lead our lives, trying to constantly prove something to others. The funny part is, we don’t even know what that something means to us.
It is like walking down the street with a whole bunch of stickynotes all over you. Each sticky note declaring you are someone. There are so many of them that no one can see who is underneath that bunch and worse, you are not able to even see which street you are walking on.
Try and shake yourself out of it! Peel off one sticky note at a time! Try and find who you are and find out if you are Good Enough for no one else, but just yourself!
Shilpa Roy Kota 