Shilpa Roy Kota

Parenting Stories (and more) from the desk of an imperfect parent

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  • Respect

    We all want different things out of life – riches, power, satisfaction of making a positive change, health, happiness, love or something else.

    Underlying all these, there is primary need that all humans crave – the need to be respected. No matter how confident, how secure, how rich we might be, we still crave to be respected. Yes, at times, we might chose to give up or ignore this need for a purpose, but it definitely cannot be ignored for a long time. 

    While we all expect to be respected, we fail so often to respect others around us. When all of us understand this need so well, how can we fail to provide it to others? Few reasons, I think, why it happens –

    • We disagree with someones point of view and assume we are right and they are wrong
    • We don’t understand their value systems and jump into character assassinations, just because their values don’t match ours

    Just because someone is different or thinks differently does not make them wrong. If they seem wrong to you, I am sure, you seem equally wrong to them. The sad irony of it is also – The higher we hold ourselves in our respect, the lower we seem others around us.

    While we might chose to climb our lofty abodes and laugh down upon others, we should just remember that the height that we imagine, only exists in our minds. Given a little bit more imagination, anyone can climb much higher than us and chose to laugh down upon us. Are we ready for that to happen?

  • The world changes when you know how to read

    Am experiencing the most amazing transformation unfolding before my eyes as my daughter finally realizes she can read. All around us, boards which used to be just random colors and lines are now information just waiting to be discovered. A Mc Donalds hoarding is no longer just a picture about a burger, it is information about a new Egg burger and therefore needs more attention, some analysis and more animated discussions. It is so much fun to walk around on the streets with her, as she reads signs, posters, papers and tries to make sense of a brand new world. 

    To me, who has known to read for as long as I can remember, the whole experience seems quite fascinating. I try and imagine how the world would seem if we couldn’t read. Imagine a world where there were no directions, messages or information; where you had to rely on pictures and spoken words for all your communication needs. Especially in today’s age, where we are loaded with information from all directions, it would seem so incomplete if we didn’t know how to read.

    Perhaps for someone who has never known what they were missing, it doesn’t seem as incredible. My daughter goes about her day as before, reading new information, with “no big deal” attitude. And all along I am awed by her new found capability and can’t help but smile as she interprets each information in her own unique way. Of course, the number of questions coming my way, which seemed incessant before are now more like a flood. I am managing to float through at times; have drowned at times and turned red some times for lack of appropriate answers. Nonetheless I have survived thus far and I am sure as she masters her new skills, she will find many more answers along with the many questions that pester her right now. 

    As she learns how to read, I learn how each new skill opens a new world of possibilities – beautiful, exciting, and endless.

  • Purpose of Anger

    Have been thinking about different emotions lately and was subject to another strong one today. It was strong enough that it made me stop and think about it.

    So here goes – I was angry today on things that are completely beyond my control. Was upset, hurt, frustrated, and any other adjective that comes along. Was guilty of not being able to control the emotion and ended up letting it all out on a poor soul. Once the damage was done, I had no choice but to coil back into my dark shell and try to analyze the situation more objectively. 

    I realized there was no purpose solved by getting angry, at least no positive purpose that I could see for miles ahead. But then, the emotion was so strong that there seemed no other way of controlling it other than releasing it. Perhaps there could have been a better way in which it could have been released, rather than unleashing it out on someone who would never understand why they were being subjected to it. 

    Anger, I learnt, is so potent an emotion that it even blocks out most thoughts and reasoning, unless it is released. I remember myself not thinking about what I was saying, I was just saying what it forced me to say. When it comes to this emotion, therefore, it is best not entertained at all, leave alone acknowledged or allowed to live it’s life. 

    Unfortunately, I am one of the last persons who can think of tips on how to avoid this emotion. All I end up doing most of the times, is change the topic or breathe deeply and count till 10. I have not reached beyond 3 in most cases. 

    I welcome tips which have worked for you! Please share wholeheartedly and believe me, I will be hugely indebted.

  • Missing Someone

    I have been missing someone all day and have been thinking why do we miss certain people when they are not around us. Is it because we are so used to having them around us, that when they are not there, something just feels amiss? That would mean that people are like furniture in our lives, we are just used to having them there. I am not too happy with that line of thought and don’t think that is the only reason we miss someone. 

    To analyze it more, I tried to think, what exactly is that I am missing about the person. Some things that came to mind instantly were – the adorable smile which can melt my heart, the hug which says I am there, the hysterical laughs at some of the worst PJs, the fights which we know no one is going to win, the walks where we have lost our way, the discussions about nothing and everything, and many more moments etched in my heart.

    Have a long list of things I miss, but I still don’t know why I am missing the one person to whom they belong. I guess some emotions don’t follow laws of logic; they can never be defined, measured or analyzed; they just have to given enough room to flow at their own pace. We cannot create them and we cannot destroy them. We can try and control them, but that only aggravates them more. We should just acknowledge their presence, let them live their time and let them die a natural death.

    The only challenge I see in this approach is that – some emotions actually make us sad and if we let them run unbridled then we could be extremely sad for a long time. On second thoughts, emotions don’t make us sad, it is our thoughts which come from that emotion that make us sad. For example – I can chose to miss someone with fond memories and plan happily for the time we are together again, or I can chose to miss someone, crying over their absence from the present. 

    Emotions in essence are neutral. We put a package of thought around them and define them as happy or sad. If we remember that even though we cannot control emotions, we can control our thoughts, we would perhaps be much happier.

  • What we want – musings from a tired mind

    When we are children, we want to grow up! When we grow up, we want to be children! When our children behave like children, we want them to grow up! When our children behave like grown ups we want them to behave like children!!! 

    I think we don’t really know what we want. Or rather, more accurately, we know what we want when we don’t have it. If this hypothesis was true, it means that I want something because I don’t have it, not necessarily because I need it or I love it. If we were to analyze each want in that spectrum, would it help us differentiate between what we really need/love vs. what we think we want? 

    Like for instance, I am sitting at the airport right now, waiting for my flight. I am awfully sleepy but scared to sleep, lest I miss my flight. I want to sleep,  because I have not slept in 2 nights or I want to sleep because I need to sleep. Yeah I can see that this hypothesis does not seem to work here. Hence the null hypothesis holds true!

    It also means that I am not finding the right hypothesis and that my mind is too tired to think logically. Which still means that I need to sleep. 🙂

    Either ways, I need to revisit this another time, when sleep is not the foremost thought in the mind.

  • The Writer’s Bug

    I finally admit – I have been bitten and that too, by no ordinary bug but one of the deadliest – The Writer’s Bug! For those who have started following me recently, you ought to believe me; I used to be perfectly normal before I was bit. I was like any ordinary human who used to hate traffic jams, be scared of conversations with strangers, be revolted with muddy water clogged roads, and be angry when my car was stranded in the middle of nowhere. 

    Since I’ve been bit, I am no longer me. Traffic jams seem like a golden opportunity to slow down and soak in the world around me. I jump at a chance to introduce myself to a stranger, hear their story and tell mine. Water anywhere, even if it is the middle of a street is a perfect playground to splash, hear the ripples and follow the droplets on their journey to the sea. 

    I see stories all around me, just waiting to be told. There was a story dancing around butterfly wings yesterday, another one hiding behind a garbage dump, and yet another riding the clouds thinking it could touch the moon. Each one rare, beautiful and untold before. Some stories are of course completely crazy and some are adorably cute, but have to admit that all of them are amazingly honest.

    All days are not as bad! On some days I can actually eat without finding a story wrapped inside my food. Also to be fair, I must say, that all stories aren’t as demanding. Some actually leave me alone to finish my job for the day, before I can attend to them.  But I fear, as days go by, the bug is taking more and more control. The number of stories haunting me is increasing and I am finding it really difficult to differentiate between reality and fiction. I am also scared, I don’t know how many days I have left to survive. 

    Pray for me my dear friends and family! I don’t want to die. The only saving grace perhaps, even if I die, I would still be living around in countless stories and memories that have been woven around, thanks to this bug which bit me not so long ago.

  • Why cant it see what I see?

    Today was a beautiful day. We went to the movie, played in the park, enjoyed a boat ride, loaded ourselves with junk food and ended the day with some lazy conversations on the park bench. Life is surely good! 

    All through the day, came numerous memorable moments which struck my thoughts and my sight. My thoughts took form of words and poured out so easily. However, I had to take help of some technology to capture what my eyes saw. I was using what we call a camera but it refused to comply.

    When I saw the soft curls, flushed cheeks, twinkling eyes of my daughter, the camera just saw some random colors. I tried to explain, tried to give it the right amount of exposure,  time, distance; but it simply could not see what I was seeing. I saw soft, fluffy, wind blown clouds spread over miles of green, riddled water. But again the camera chose to see something else. I saw the breeze, the butterflies, the waves, the setting sun, the smiles, the laughter, and yeah you guessed it, it couldn’t see any of it.

    And then, I decided to give up on it and chose to stick with something which was more familiar – words. In words it is so easy to explain what a beautiful day it was. I guess I am officially a writer now, but a long long way off from being a photographer.

  • Are you crazy!?!

    Some of my friends think I am absolutely crazy. And thankfully they are true enough to tell it to my face. The best part is – I already know that and I am proud of the fact. I guess that makes me even more crazier.

    Anyhow, my question is – who in this sane world isn’t crazy? In my opinion, all of us are little bit crazy about something or someone. Some of us, like me, are nuts about everything and everyone. Some others chose to conveniently change the definition of being crazy to avoid falling into that category. However, I would still snugly fit them into the same category. 

    I have observed people being crazy about a variety of things including chocolates, drinks, soap operas, shopping, work, FB, food, love, sex, tea, coffee, motorcycles, cars, music, blogging, reading, children, health, movies, … the list is of course endless. 

    In my honest opinion, I think it is good to feel over the top about some things in life. It is only then, that we defy logic, reasoning and constraints that are imposed upon us by the sane world out there. When we actually think like a nut, we can find out ways of breaking out of the shell that binds and restricts us. I would recommend everyone try it in their lives.

    I know I am definitely crazy, how about you?

  • Who am I

    Who am I

    Where did I come from

    Questions I asked from time to time

    One day I realize

    It doesn’t matter

    Where I came from and where I’ve been

    All that matters is where I am and what love means to me

    One baby step at a time, I tread forward

    A minute life in the vast dreariness of life

    Soon it dissipates, gushes out into the emptiness

    What is left is the body I used to call mine

    Was it worth it, I ask now?

    To have used a life but not lived it

    Would I ever be given another chance to a new life

    Would I still ask – Who am I and where I’ve been

    When all that mattered was what I had chosen to be

  • Matrix

    We call our mom “Matrix”. Don’t know when and why we started calling her this, but it seems like forever. People ask us – what does Matrix mean? To me “Matrix” means a complex structure made up of many layers. It is impossible to understand the whole structure unless you understand each layer at a time. 

    Out of curiosity, I also decided to search the meaning of Matrix. To my surprise I found a completely new meaning. As per dictionary.com, Matrix is something that constitutes the place or point from which something else originates, takes form, or develops. I thought this makes complete sense because Mom is the place where we all start from – physically, emotionally and spiritually. My Matrix to me is the pillar on which I stand, the net which will catch me when I fall, the silver lining behind each dark cloud, and the smile I look up to whenever I have tears in my eyes. 

    Matrix is the source which has always provided, but never taken anything from anyone. Strong, dependable, bluntly honest, beautiful, graceful, loving are just some of the adjectives that come to my mind when I think of her. When we were children, she shielded us from the harshest storms. Yet, when the time came, she left us alone to fight our battles. She laughed with us and cried with us. I know many times when we were scared, she was equally or perhaps even more scared than us. After all, we were only scared for ourselves, but she was scared for all of us combined. 

    Looking back, I wish I was bigger, more sensible, more stronger so that I could have helped her and talked to her and provided for her. I guess my wish was finally granted and as she grows older, I grow bigger, stronger, and hopefully more sensible. 

    Love you Matrix, beyond what words can tell! Wish you a very happy birthday!! We will always be there for you!