The Biggest Gift

I was born a Pessimist. I was one of those, who did not believe in God or Love or being Happy. It just seemed easier to be sad than to be happy. There were a million reasons to be shit sad and I simply embraced all of them. I was treated for depression from early childhood till mid teens. In my early twenties, when my husband proclaimed his love to me, I am supposed to have asked him, “How do you define love?” Gosh! Who does that!?!.

The good news is that the above para is written in past tense. It is all over and way behind me. The only reason I look back is to see how far ahead I have come. So, how did I switch my car from a constant reverse gear to gear 1? One fine day, soon after my daughter was born, I decided enough was enough. I had to take charge of my life and turn it around. I decided from that day onwards I will only try and remember the good things that had happened to me and consciously erase all the bad. I started a beautiful diary and called it my Diary of Good Things. On the very front page I stuck a picture of my daughter. She was and I guess will always be the first best thing that happened to me.

From that day on, whenever I had time I pushed hard to recall good memories from the past – things that I was thankful for. The list of course included family but it was pretty random after that. It had mango trees, lemons, cotton dresses, my cycle and the like. Smallest of things that held a happy memory in the deep recesses of my mind. I had to dig so hard initially but slowly it started to become easier.

Whenever I was sad and wanting to loathe in self pity, I picked up the diary and the picture of my baby daughter always brought a smile to me even amidst my tears. Reading the next few pages helped me stop my car from going into reverse again.

Looking back, I consider my diary as my starting point of moving forward in life. Over weeks and months, the Universe probably picked the signal that I was no longer looking for grief and started giving me more positive things in life. I started believing in God, in Love and the possibility of a Happy Life. It was a few years later that I started my blog. I think my blog is also an extension of my diary, a constant reminder to myself that life is so beautiful, so miraculous and completely what I choose to create. Over years of writing, one blog at time, first about my daughter, then about my son, I am now at a stage I can write about myself.

Each day, when I look at the overwhelming amount of blessings I have received, I cannot help but thank the stars for that day I decided to turn my life around and for my daughter who gave me the biggest reason to believe that I was good enough to receive as beautiful gifts, as her. I know, we don’t look eye to eye most days, these days but hey! that’s a new phase of motherhood as well. This phase too, has been a gift for me to discover myself, unlearn a bit and learn lots more.

I am just in my  early forties right now. God knows how much more I am still to learn, to grow and to be thankful for. Cheers to a life full of blessings and cheers to my daughter who made me see that I was truly blessed.