Yogs first class of Playgroup drew to an end today with photographs, report card and parent teacher meeting. As I entered Yogs classroom, I was surprised to see the class teacher. Was she the class teacher Yog was having all this while? I had thought it was someone else. Did they change the teacher in the middle of the session without informing the parents? Hmm, or maybe I was just not paying enough attention to Yogs school. As I looked into his report card, I saw some areas of strength and some areas of improvement. Overall, I summarized, Yog was a perfectly normal child. I scanned the report card backwards and realized I had missed at least 3 parent teacher meetings this past year. I was really not up to date with Yogs academics.
I felt extremely guilty! One side of my mind, (i am not sure left or right) cursed me for being an irresponsible parent. It said, you remember how excited you used to be when Toyna joined school. Till date, you remember the face of all her past class teachers. Till date, you have never missed a single parent teacher meeting for her. Then how can you give such a differential treatment for Yog? How can you not pay enough attention and take joy in being more involved with his school?
I could hear some weak sounds from the other side of the mind, but the guilt was overpowering my entire form. It did not want any second thoughts to come in and make me feel better about myself. I resigned to the guilt. I said, “Yes! I have failed as a parent to Yog this year! Yes, I have missed his parent teacher meetings! Yes! I don’t even recognize the face of his class teacher! I accept my shortcomings! I could not play equal to both my children this year! But hey, life is not all about just one year! It is made up of many small memorable moments weaved together into innumerable years. You remember, when Yog was born, or wait, even before Yog was born, I spent months and years carrying him close to me and nurturing his every breath. I spent sleepless nights ensuring he slept well. I ignored Toyna, her school and her activities, just to keep an undivided attention for Yog. You did not complain then. In those days, you just assumed it was my responsibility. Then how can you complain now? How can you not see, why I missed paying attention to Yogs school? Why can’t you see that Toyna needs me more right now? ”
That silenced the voices in my head and they sought an outlet through my eyes. I silently wiped the eyes using the back side of right arm, while holding the car steering with my left. Both Toyna and Yog were in the back seat and thankfully didn’t notice the guilt flowing down my cheeks.
Today, I have resigned to the fact that no matter how hard I try I will always be a better mom for one of my two darling angles, at a given point in time. I will never be able to balance both of them together at a time. But I know, given enough years together, life will balance everything on it’s own. More importantly, I am happy that even when I am only able to give them attention, one at a time; they give each other enough attention to compensate for any misses from my side. Thank you God!