Success, the root cause behind Failure

Since the last few years, I have been harboring a dream. A dream which defines a purpose for my life. As I go to bed each night, I vow to take out time for my dream the next day. I promise to prioritize it above everything else. I promise to make it work, no matter what the odds are. The next morning chaos of breakfast, lunch boxes and exam revisions seamlessly intertwines with the chaos of meetings, phone calls and approvals by the evening. Was there an afternoon in between, I don’t seem to have noticed? As I step down from office at 7 PM, I curse myself for not living my dream for another day. Soon it is time for dinner, bedtime stories, tucking little ones to sleep and repeating yesterday’s promise in my heart again. Next morning comes and goes. Before I know it, I am sitting on the bed waiting for the children to sleep, cursing myself for breaking my promise again.

A few days back, tired of cursing myself every night, I decided to try something different. I decided to analyse what was it that I was doing wrong. What was the reason that stops people, like me, to take out time for the one thing that we are most passionate about; the one thing which defines us? What makes us fail to achieve the most important goal of our lives? I had thought it would take me years to discover the answer to such a question. But to my surprise, the answer hit me instantly like a cold slap on my face. It was as if the answer was all along waiting beside me, just waiting for me to just ask the question.

The reason behind my failure to achieve my coveted goal was none other than my success with the current life that I possessed. It was this feeling of being accomplished that gave me a false sense of happiness and security. I was not ecstatic about my job but I was happy enough not to risk giving it up, in order to follow my own dream. I was loved, respected, financially secure and independent in my job. Deep down, I knew my dream could not assure me even one of those in the starting years. Why should I bother risking everything I already had in order to pursue a dream that was not even real, till now. If only, I hated my work, I would have had a strong reason to build my individual dream. If only, I had a loathly husband, I would have been hell bent to craft an independent career for myself.

If only I was not so successful at my short term tasks, I would have been more focused on my long term goal.

If only….