Shilpa Roy Kota

I was out on a long drive today, a long list of to do items in my head and my favorite music on the air. I was in no hurry to get anywhere fast and was thoroughly enjoying the drive in the light traffic and the warm sun. 

Suddenly a large white van started honking from behind trying to find a way to get ahead. I was myself stuck in between some cars and had no option but to continue driving where I was. I tried to ignore the honking, but it got to me in some time. As he literally pushed some cars out of the way and cursed loudly at some others, I started feeling the blood rising in my head. I too started speeding trying to make sure he realized something… (looking back, I can’t even recollect what I was trying to make him realize).

Anyhow, after 2 mins of racing between cars and feeling the adrenal rushing, I suddenly realized I had lost all of the following – the song that was playing, the warm sunny afternoon and the happy mood that I was in. It then struck me, that I was being extremely foolish to get caught up in a speed chase, when I had nothing to gain at the end of it, but a lot of things that I could lose. 

As I slowed down, I realized life was also pretty much like driving a car. Even though we might not be in a rush to get anywhere fast, the entire traffic around us, forces us to pick up speed, run and push each other along the way. I wondered, what was the point of rushing through life, when in the process we lose the happiness of the journey itself? The end goal might be glittering in diamonds but it can never be more precious than the entire journey that brought us to it. What I learnt today – Drive slow, drive safe and remember to enjoy the journey!

Born into a highly talented, creative and artistic family, I always considered myself a misfit whose handwriting was pathetic and who could never draw a single straight line, leave alone landscapes, portraits or fashion designs. In addition, I sucked at any sport you could name and got the worst grades in ENGLISH! My future to me seemed extremely bleak in those days and I had quite honestly resigned myself to live a life in the shadows of my extremely talented present and future family (if there was to be any).

Since those days, I gave up trying my hand at any sport, never bought a pack of colors or brushes, and tried to make myself happy juggling with numbers (maths) instead of words. As my daughter grew, all the past life nightmares slowly entered back into my life. There were colors all over the place, all sort of sports paraphernalia in the home, in all imaginable shapes and sizes and “I” still an alien amidst all of them.

One school project after another, forced me to give up my fears and discover how to use brushes, paints and chart papers. And to my wonderful surprise, I was quite decent in putting them together. At least I can proudly say, I was not amongst the worst out there. Similarly, one office assignment after another, and I developed a flair for writing. A little bit of encouragement from friends and colleagues and now I can even dream of becoming a successful writer one day.  

The point of this blog is – Life has a slow and surprising way of growing onto us. What we thought impossible to achieve one day, becomes possible one day, without us even knowing about it. I don’t know how it happens, but I just know it does. All we need to do is keep hoping and keep trying. In the process, sometimes our worst nightmares become our biggest dreams (writing for instance, for me).

It is completely OK if we continue to suck at some things still (sports in my case). There will be a day when we won’t, and if we still haven’t gotten to them, then I would think that it is not the end of life as yet “picture abhi baaki hai mere dost”. 🙂

Ever since I started working, I have always looked forward to the first day of every month. Quite obviously, the reason for the excitement is that we receive our salaries on this day. It used to be measly amounts initially, often handed over in cash. Over the years, the amounts grew and got  added directly to my bank balance. The excitement associated with this day, nonetheless remained pretty much the same over the years.

Now we have our own business, office and team and the first day of the month means responsibilities to ensure all payments are released on time. Honestly speaking, my salary hardly ever gets processed on the first day as there are always many more priorities to review and close on this day. However, the surprising bit is that I am much more excited about the first now than I was ever before. It gives me an immense sense of satisfaction and achievement to be able to provide for the team. As the team grows, their salaries/bonus increase, the satisfaction only increases. Of course, it is the hard work of the entire team that culminates to this day but I am sure none of them (except for the CEO) feel the same excitement as I do.

We often think that achieving money, power, status in life would make us happy. The funny reality of life is that we don’t get as much happiness by accumulating things for ourselves as we get by providing the same to others. In fact the joy of providing is no where comparable to the joy of receiving. It doesn’t pain me one bit to take a lesser salary, later in the month, because I have already achieved the satisfaction of providing for the entire team, at the start of the month. I understand now, why fathers (at least in India) feel thrilled about taking family responsibility, why CEOs of successful corporations are so humble and why shopping gives women such a high. It is all about providing for the family, the employees and the economy!  🙂

One dream at a time, one light burning deep inside

One hope that refuses to die and one shoulder to cry

These are the small things that keep me moving forward

How often do we share, our smiles or our tears

Life is so small, to live in our fears

I never asked for much, and look at what I have

Millions of moments to smile, cry and laugh with my dears

You will find your answers, maybe not now, perhaps not ever

How does it matter?

You still have your questions to tickle your mind

To make you smile, to make you cry

to live your life.

Silence so deep, it echos through my soul

Silence so dark, it blinds me more

I wish it would stop, I wish it would go

I wish to break it, but how can I so

I smile, I laugh, all seems fine

Inside I cry for no reason or ryhme

Gone are the days when the moon would smile

Now the wind is cold and the nights are blind

The past was beautiful, the future remains unknown

Yester memories keep me smiling whenever I am lone

A warm hug, a bad joke, a stupid advice

How they all changed my life!

So much to remember, so much to try

Then why do I still feel like cry

I am blessed to have, if nothing else,

the memories of the past to help me smile.

When you are trying to improve your public speaking skills, you are often taught to stand in front of the mirror and talk to yourself. Some trainers even go to the extent of recording your presentation and replaying it back to you so you can see where you need to improve. Obviously, when you know you are being recorded, you try to look perfect, act perfect and talk perfect. Does such recording really help? All it can tell you is, how good you are at imitating perfection. But it can never tell how good you really are.

I experienced something similar recently, that helped me discover a little more about myself. We were out for a long drive, my husband and I deep in conversation and our daughter playing with my smart phone in the back seat. The conversations drifted to life, love and everything else in between.  Oblivious to all the conversations, my daughter started video recording the road outside and in the process ended up recording our conversation. And oblivious to the fact that we were being recorded, we continued our conversations. 

I chanced upon the recording in my phone, and was curious to see the road from the eyes of my camera. While I saw the road, I heard the conversations in the background. Hearing the conversations retrospectively, I got a much deeper glimpse of myself. Honestly, I wasn’t really happy, at what I heard. I heard my own thought process, expression, attitude, approach on life in a short span of 10 minutes. For a minute, I thought “Wow, is this how I really talk??”. It was like being suddenly forced to look into a mirror and see yourself naked without any clothes to cover the bulges or any lights/shadows to hide the ugly spots. 

Yes, I discovered what I needed to improve. But more importantly,  I developed an immense sense of appreciation for people around me, who have patiently heard me blaberring for eternity. I am amazed at how you could have endured this eternity with me. My heart goes out to all of you and of course my dear husband, who has been there all along seeing me as I saw myself today and still telling me how beautiful I am. Love you!

It just seems like yesterday, when I used to reach out to hold my daughters hand the minute we stepped on the road, in a busy shop or just out for a walk. My motherly instincts guided me to keep her safe, always at an arms distance from me.

As she and I both grew older, the need to hold her hand slowly became less. The minute we would step out of the car, she would bound off, free from the confines of the car, ready to explore the world around her. The air tangling her curls even more, she would run on roads, play with dogs and pluck flowers from who-so-evers garden was unlucky to be in her path.

Then a day came, when I exhausted from a long journey, my back aching, my knees shaky, stepped out of the car. As I closed the door behind me, I took a moment to steady myself resting on the door just a little longer. Of course, my daughter was already 50 meters out on the road before I had even got one foot out of the car. I smiled as I heard her chatter, trying to make out what new stories she had come up with. 

Suddenly she stopped, mid-sentence, as if realizing something was missing. She rushed back to me, held out her hand and said “Mama hold my hand”. She gripped my hand in hers – strong, purposeful, as if to support me. The world stopped, my heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes. How could she, barely seven years old, lost in her own fairy land, sense my pain, when I hadn’t even said anything? 

Looking back, I wonder, she would never have been able to catch me if I fell.  But then her gesture and her hand under mine, was so reassuring that it gave me the strength and the confidence to walk the distance. The moment etched in my heart, I feel blessed to be her mother. I can’t say that she will be there to hold my hand throughout my life, but I am sure, that I will remember this moment and the fact that she came back for me, throughout my life. 

When sentiments run high and misunderstanding abound

When anger seeps in and frustrations pull me down

When love seems lost and there is no answer to be found

I wish we could talk

When you don’t seem to understand and niether do I

When expectations in the air make it difficult to breathe

When the easiest way out is to leave

I wish we could talk

When egos clash and the past blinds

When small remarks hurt like pine 

When we both want to stop, but keep going on

I wish we could talk

I walk alone, wishing you were there

I move on, step by step, don’t know where

I chose to be silent 

When all I ever wanted to do is talk.